Ross and I are pretty much like every other 30-something couple. We go to work. We have a baby. We own a house. And, we love HGTV. It is with a heavy heart that I must confess HGTV has gone horribly wrong and betrayed us all, at least where Ross is concerned. There were a few things that led to the dismantling of my husband’s love affair with the home improvement channel.
Flip or Flop – I’m not sure why he loves this show so much. But he does. He even watches it when I’m not around which I still find amusing. Anyway, when the news broke that Christina and Tarek were secretly separated and getting a divorce, the show took on a whole new perspective. Christina’s side eye glances became mocking instead of endearing. The holiday commercials with the two of them and their kids talking about how they like to spend their days together watching Christmas movies were a joke. At one point, Ross shouted at the tv, “Stop lying to us”. I never laughed so hard in my life.
House Hunters – it was one of the conversations we were having about Flip or Flop that I brought up House Hunters. The conversation went a little something like this.
Me: Well, you know House Hunters if fake too, right?
Ross: What do you mean it’s fake? (Please envision a horrified expression gracing my poor husband’s face.)
Me: I read it’s fake too. I read somewhere that some of the houses they look at aren’t even up for sale. But I mean it you look at it, you can tell. Their reactions are a little too stilted.
Ross: WHAT? Don’t tell me that! That just ruins the show for me.
This leads to the last nail in the coffin…
Fixer Upper – During the same conversation, I brought up the easy, go to Saturday marathon filler, Fixer Upper.
Me: Do you even want to know about Fixer Upper then?
Ross: (with a heavy sigh) I guess. What?
Me: I read that the house has to already be in contract before they’ll start filming so the whole fist portion is staged. I’m not sure why they need to do that. Nobody really cares about that segment anyway. Just have the people come in and say, ‘hey, we bought this house and want you to rehab the shit out of it.’ That would work just as well, if not better.
Ross: I can’t take any more.
And so, the wool has been lifted and Santa has been revealed to my poor husband. That doesn’t mean we don’t still watch it. Christina gives the best side eye EVER.
So, next Saturday is my birthday and before anyone can make a 4th of July joke, stop! I’ve heard them already. I don’t like fireworks. It only takes on incident at the age of seven to scar you forever. My mom thought it would be a GREAT idea to put seven sparklers on my cake instead of candles. You can’t blow sparklers out and everyone thought it was hilarious to watch me try by huffing in breath after breath. An emergency room trip later for toxic fumes inhalation, no one really thought it was a good idea anymore.
Anyway. I don’t want them for my birthday celebration, and there will be a celebration. Most people have a hard time with their birthday, especially after the age of 30. Me? I don’t care. There are presents involved and I love presents. I’m also a giant child so I have fun birthdays, even if it is just Ross and I. Last year, we had a pretty princess birthday party with a scavenger hunt for my presents. I know this picture sucks (because I take horrible pictures) but you get the idea…
Two years ago, it was a pirate birthday…
You see a theme going on here.
I LOVE IT!
So, with a little over a week away, Ross has some high standards to live up to.
I had a great idea. I’d been thinking about it for a while and since I was out of school and had plenty of time on my hands, I figured now was the time to redo our bedroom. It would be simple, throw up a few coats of paint, change the bed linens, the lamps, and POOF! Done! And it was so close to going just that way…
So here’s what we started with (please ignore the sample paint patches. There were seven of them, btw):
Isn’t he cute? I kept trying to take pictures without him in them but he was in a hurry to move the furniture and wouldn’t get out of the way.
You might ask yourself…how does one come by getting Bengal Orange walls? Well, see, that’s a funny story. It happens when two people are standing in Lowe’s, having already picked out colors for three other rooms.
I say, ” What color do you want to paint our bedroom?”
Ross says, “I don’t care. What ever you want.”
Me, “No, really. What do you like? What do you want.”
Him, “I don’t care.”
Me, “Fine, if you don’t tell me what you want, I’m picking this!” Which just happened to be the color you see above.
Him, “Whatever you want.”
Me, “ARGH! Fine!”
I slapped that stupid palette down on the counter and got a few gallons. That, my friends, is how you end up with Bengal orange walls.
So after a lot of work…from Ross cause I was out of town the weekend he painted. And let’s face it, he would prefer it that way. I can’t paint and have actually been forbidden from painting. See that nice hacksaw jagged edge at the top. Yep, that’s me.
So, here’s what we ended up with instead:
LOOK! It’s like adults live there. There are things on the walls and everything. The entire process was easy peasy with the exception of one thing. The LAMP SHADES. The lamps were just fine but the shades turned into the great fiasco of 2014. Who would have thought that two tiny little objects could have caused so much frustration, multiple trips to Target and all over town. I sure as hell didn’t.
The first set blended too much with the walls. This statement came from Ross by the way, after telling me several times he didn’t care about the lamp shades. Clearly, he does when the blend in with the wall color.
I took those back and got two more, which turned out to be two different colors. One white and one beige.
I took the beige one back and bought what I thought was another white one. Nope! Took that one back.
Then Ross took a stab and bought a replacement shade. He thought that one was white. NOPE!
So we took both back to match them. Well, they didn’t have any white ones so we gave up and got the silver ones you see in the picture above. I don’t even care anymore, i have muted light and that’s all that matters.
I know its been a while since my last blog. For that I apologize. All I can say is that I was ridiculously busy with work, edits for Black Dalliances (#5 in the Blushing Death Series), my trip to Disney, RT, and GRADUATION!
A view from my seat at Graduation!
Since so much has gone on in the last few weeks (or six but who’s counting???), I’ll start with Disney this week…as each story should.
We drove from Tampa to Orlando because I had to be in Tampa on business for a day, then the rest of the weekend was mine. By the time we got to Orlando and checked in, Ross and I decided to have a low key afternoon. And as two thirty-something adults with no children the only thing we could do was miniature golf. Yep, I said it, miniature golf. There were lizards EVERYWHERE.
The Infamous Lizard
I realize its Florida and practically a swamp so I shouldn’t be surprised by lizards at every turn. I even thought they were cute until one crawled across my flip-flopped foot and that was it for me. No more lizards. Anyway, we tied the first game even though Ross tried to cheat and claimed he “miscounted”. Riiiiiight.
During the second game, I was kicking his ASS until about the 6th or 7th hole. That’s when my epic meltdown commenced. If there was a rock in that course, I hit it, got stuck behind it, or bounce back off of it. He beat me by a lot that second game. We stopped counting.
The next day, we went to Disney’s MAGIC KINGDOM which might be my favorite place on the planet.
I don’t say this lightly because I love a lot of places; the Columbus Zoo, Barcelona, my house, and NYC. Anyway, when we entered, they gave us our tickets and then took our digital fingerprints. DIGITAL FINGERPRINTS! We walked away from the entry kiosk and Ross said, “Should I be afraid that I just got bio-screened by Disney?”
I said, “Of course, how else can Disney take over the world?”
Ross made yet another reference to skynet, and we went into the park.
I’m not going to lie. I did run around the Magic Kingdom like a 6 yr old on crack. I’m not ashamed.
The best thing that Disney ever did was create the Disney Experience App. I could track wait times, change my fast pass options, and make reservations. I was kind of addicted. In fact, I didn’t actually delete it. While I’m sitting at my desk, sometimes I like to check the wait times on Peter Pan’s flight just to make my day better.
I bought a pair of Maleficent ears (the last pair in the park…might I add). You may ask why and all I have to say to you is why not? I also bought a pair of the Queen of hearts ears. Again…why not?
Ross rode Space Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain, even though he doesn’t like roller coasters, which made me very proud. We went into every gift shop because secretly, I love gift shops. We rode It’s a Small World which is a psychedelic nightmare. Whatever they were smoking, snorting, sniffing, or ingesting when they thought up that monstrosity, can’t be healthy for you.
I got my picture taken with the white rabbit and I stood in line to do it. Then I made Ross take the picture with me. HA!
He asked, “Are we really standing in line for the White Rabbit?”
I said, “Hell yeah, we are. I love minor secondary characters.”
On day two, we went to Animal Kingdom. The highlight was the 20 minute safari ride which if the animals are participating, they get really close. I might be a little jaded about this park living in Columbus. I thought this was going to be a great big thing and it ended up being kinda meh. Columbus has a great zoo (of which I am a member) and animal park in The Wilds so I see better exhibits all the time. Especially with the new exhibit. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed.
But I digress.
I bought another pair of ears at the Animal Kingdom. Again, because why not? I looked damned cute in them too.
I managed to get Ross on Expedition Everest which is the absolute highlight of this trip. He’s going to be so mad at me but it’s funny. Really…REALLY…funny.
So, as i mentioned, Ross doesn’ t like roller coasters. By the time we were ready for our fast pass, it was lunch time, I was hot and hangry and was willing to skip it. Let it be known that I GAVE HIM AN OUT!
He said, “No. We’re here and if I don’t go on this I’ll never hear the end of it.”
In truth, he was right. I would have hounded him relentlessly for eternity. He knows me so well.
We skipped the the front of the line, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. He didn’t have time to talk himself out of it but he also didn’t have time to prepare. We stood next in line to get in the car and I reached over to rub his back for reassurance. He jumped away from me and said, “Don’t touch me! Just don’t.”
I just giggled and said, “Ok.”
He screamed the entire ride. At some point it goes backwards, it stops to go down the big hill. This is where Ross LOST HIS SHIT! From that point on he buried his head in my shoulder and screamed at the top of his lungs while I giggled like a little girl.
I’ve given you a link to relive Ross’s torture.
When we got off of this ride, Ross was panting and clutching his chest.
I said, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Your heart racing?”
“Yeah,” he huffed.
“Adrenaline is racing through you?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s why people go on roller coasters,” I laughed.
“Adrenaline sucks!” he said and then we got some lunch.
So let the tears, swear words, and gushing blood commence! That’s right folks, we’re remodeling again.
For several reasons, we’ve decided that it’s time to tackle the laundry room/closet. Mainly because our clothes are now in three different rooms, the washer and dryer really need to be replaced (especially the dryer which started making weird noises a few months ago. – The damned thing sounds like i’m drying a brick as it tumbles around and around the cylinder. I’m not of course, but the racket is ridiculous.) I would also like to be able to see when I get dressed in the morning. Right now, I can’t see shit since most of the time since Ross is still sleeping. To prove my point, the other day during a break in class I discovered that I did – in fact – have my underwear on backwards. I couldn’t see the tag and definitely didn’t feel a difference with the lace cheeky panties. But there you have it. I need to be able to see in the morning and if my clothes are in the laundry room, GASP, I would be able to see and put them on correctly.
Our first decision was…”We need a new wardrobe.” That quickly morphed into:
“Do we need to paint?”
“What if we replaced the utility sink with a real sink”
“We’re going to need a new washer and dryer soon. You know, before we get blown the fuck up.”
“Maybe we should replace the door too. Have you been on the fire escape lately? Anyone could kick that thing in.”
“Well, damn. Now, where are we going to store shit?”
And yes, i’m very aware that I’m the only one swearing in this conversation.
This is going to be a longer process than I would like. Mostly due to the fact that we are poor and can’t afford a new wardrobe unit, plus the washer/dryer, and sink replacements all at once. What this means is that one half of my laundry room is going to be AWESOME, while the other looks like shit for a little while longer. Maybe I can convince the ‘rents to help out with the W/D purchase as part of my graduation/birthday present…here’s hoping! And yes, I do expect presents for all major life events. I don’t care how old I am.
Then there’s the door. He’s right though. That thing doesn’t look very safe.
And the sink. Classy…I know. Don’t judge! The last owner was an artist there are a lot of things in this house covered in paint splotches.
Here’s my conundrum. The previous owners painted the register! A vintage brass register and they painted it…LIME GREEN! I don’t think there’s anyway of salvaging it or even restoring it. *sigh*
So, let’s end this on a positive note with some positive affirmations. I am not going to fuck anything up this weekend! We can do this on our own! This will not cost us a small fortune…
Yeah right! How many trips to the hardware store will we make? 6? 10? My bet’s on at least 8. We’ll see.
I understand that I’m a 35 year old grown woman. But here’s the thing, I DON’T CARE! I love Disney and I’m not ashamed to say it. My husband, Ross, and I are planning a weekend trip to Disney World and I can’t wait. I’m buying a pair of ears for every damn park we go in and (Ross doesn’t know this yet but) I’m buying at least two Vinylmation figurines. That’s right, Disney’s got me, hook, line, and sinker.
Let’s start with the park. We’ve been to Disneyland, and I was at DisneyWorld when I was little (I don’t really remember it and that might be a sin – I haven’t found it in any scripture anywhere but I’m sure it must be there…right?). In 2010 and 2011, I went to Disneyland twice in a 12 month period and that’s saying something for a girl from Ohio. The time my husband and I went (yeah, that’s right! I went once without him), we spent the day at the magic kingdom and I ran around like a cracked-out six year old. See for yourself!
Ross, on the other hand, was like a 90 year old poop who didn’t know what fun was even when he was a kid. Exhibit A
In fairness to my husband, that was a $10 hamburger. Doesn’t matter though, he still tried like hell not to smile on the tea cups. Who does that? You have to smile on the tea cups! I think its a law.
He can’t fool me though, he’s excited. He bought me this as a Christmas present (both for me and so he can go into sucking-the-fun-out-of-everything poop):
He has our itinerary for each day planned out and this trip is four months away. He’s already dictated the paths through each section of each park and where we need to get fast-passes. This damned thing is 864 pages of craziness that my husband has taken on like it was gospel. Little does he know that his entire plan is going to be blown the hell up as I spend the first two hours of each day going from gift shop to gift shop. Ahahahahaahaha!
Next, I’m obsessed with Disney’s ridiculously ingenious idea, Vinylmation. I LOVE these things. I don’t think Disney needs anymore cult followers but I’ll do my bit by giving you the link. LOL!
I bought one, hoping it was Lucifer from Cinderella because here’s the thing, you don’t know which one you’re getting. So if you don’t get the one you want, you just keep buying them! Well, I got Lucifer and one of the cards from Alice in Wonderland. I had to buy two, it evened up my chances. You would’ve done the same! Don’t judge.
Anyway, I was too excited and Ross poo poo’d my purchase saying that it was a waste of money. I agreed and that was the end of it. A few months after that, I was headed to Polaris Shopping Center and there’s a disney store in the mall. I thought I could sneak in there, see what they had and get one…or two.
Turns out…No.
I parked and then decided I couldn’t deal with the mall. When I got home, I told Ross about how the idea of the mall and how the thought of going in made me a little anxious and how weird that was. So, a few weeks later, he went and bought me three. THREE!
He came home and in his very stern voice said, “This can’t become a thing!”
I said, “you’re right, honey” and didn’t argue.
Then, for my birthday, he bought me another one. Isn’t he cute?
Then for Christmas, he bought me another two.
So, for not becoming a “thing”, he’s kinda making it a “thing”. That’s why I love my husband! He knows the way to a girls heart.
I’m going to tell you a little secret. I live in Columbus Ohio and I don’t really like football. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone. I might get run out of town. This town lives and dies by OSU Football. That is our “professional” sports team. I’m not saying this because the payers are paid or anything, merely because this town treats it like any NFL team.
I’ve grown to accept that on Saturday’s between August and January, I’m watching football in one form or another and maybe even attending a game or two. I’m married and we all have to sacrifice for our spouses. But I was blessed because Sundays were relatively free of football. That is until this year.
Ross was encouraged to be on a fantasy football team by one of our friends who has just plummeted to the bottom of my shit list – that’s right! I’m talking to you Mark Aaron! Sunday afternoons have become one game after the other as Ross stares at his “board” and watches his points compared to someone else.
The worst part of all of this, is that he’s got me watching that damned board too. I can’t help it! I have to win. I don’t have the personality to lose graciously and I won’t allow Ross to lose either. First, he has to beat Mark Aaron simply for ruining my Sundays. I feel that’s just fair. Second, I didn’t marry a loser! And finally, I wouldn’t tell him this but if he wins maybe he’ll join next year too and stay out of my hair on Sunday afternoons. We are incredibly unproductive when we are alone together. I might be able to get shit done!
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