Writing…writing…writing

I’m at home today, taking the day off after a few stress-filled days at work. Am I lounging in my house binge watching Netflix or catching up on Outlander (cause the season premier is coming up)? Speaking of which, I should catch up. NO! Focus. So, instead of going into work today, I have refocused the stress ball sitting in the pit of my stomach constantly to writing. I’m going to get some writing done today Even if it kills me. It might too.

Anyway, I’ve been up for two hours now. I’ve dropped my daughter at daycare (cause there was no way in hell I was getting anything done with her in the house), put in a load of laundry, and now writing a blog. So all in all, today is going about how I thought. Two hours down and no writing completed.

I am the worst!

Plateau

So, I hate exercising as we’ve previously discussed. I’m on Weight Watchers and I’m doing fine. Okay, so I’ve been on WW since January and have had SEVERAL plateau points where I stagnate for a few weeks. Mostly, and this is important, because I’m not exercising. UGH! but I hate it. SOOOOOO MUCH!

HATE!

H. A. T. E.

HATE!

Here I am again, at that stupid plateau point for the third week in a row and I know it. I just know that I’m going to have to exercise. Boooooo! Like with a regular routine and everything.

Florida Headlines

My student keeps talking about how he wants to move to Florida after he graduates. Mostly because it’s warm an and he hates the cold. I don’t think Florida is the answer with, you know, bugs the size of small dogs…alligators camping out in your backyard…random meth heads rampaging like its the purge out there…and a hurricane every three to four years threatening to wipe the whole place out but never really succeeding.

When we were discussing his transition from student to full-grown adult {small tear – my baby is growing up. Sike, not my kid but, honestly, the snark is strong with him. He could’ve been. He’s volunteered to take care of me when I’m old, so I’ve got that going for me}, he made me google “Florida headlines”. That’s it. You have to click the images tab, cause that’s the best part. This was the most entertaining waste of twenty minutes, I’ve ever had in my life.

Let us begin…

Florida man has sex with pit bull in his yard as neighbors beg him to stop”                   David Edwards

Where to even begin? How many neighbors were there? How hard did they try and make him stop? Why are you doing that shit in your front yard where the whole word can watch? Also, what was it about the pit bull that really just had your juices flowing? Okay, that’s a bad turn of phrase. Also, if you look at the picture of this guy, NO ONE SHOULD BE SURPRISED.

Florida Man Arrested for Calling 911 After His Kitten Was Denied Entry Into a Strip Club Complex Mag

I thought you went to a strip club to stroke a pussy, maybe I’m wrong about that one.

Florida Man On Drugs Kills Imaginary Friend & Turns Himself In

I get it. Killing your imaginary friend is traumatic. I mean, the remorse, the guilt, knowledge that you betrayed your best friend. Maybe you had a complicated past and couldn’t trust your imaginary friend any more, but still, murder of a figment of your imagination is a step too far. I commend him for doing the right thing and turning himself in for his imaginary crime.

Florida woman blames cocaine in purse on windy day Local10.com

um, how windy does it have to be to blow a bag of cocaine into your bag. Also, what? OMG! Officer. I don’t know how this kilo of cocaine ended up in my handbag. It was really really windy today and maybe it blew in there when I wasn’t looking. WHAT? Okay, I don’t know if it was a kilo or not but that sounds so much funnier than just a dusting.

Deputies: Florida man high on flakka tries to break into jail ‘to visit friends‘” WPBF.com

No joke, dude. You’re doing this wrong. You’re not supposed to break INTO jail. Also, what the hell if flakka? There’s a rabbit hole I really don’t want to go down but probably will anyhow.

Tampa police say woman tried to buy her 80-year-old father a prostitute over Easter weekend Don Germaise

All I can say is, that was very nice of her to think about her father’s needs like that. Gross, but Ahhhhh.

Florida Man in ‘No, Seriously, I Have Drugs’ t-shirt arrested for possession of drugs” 

I don’t think this needs comment.

Florida man dies in meth-lab explosion after lighting farts on fire

I think we’re going to end with that one because what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? Nothing good, that’s for sure.

Gone with the Wind Rabbit Hole

So, last week, I kinda took a vacation from the blog. Not because I was actually on vacation but because I didn’t have shit to say. It was a slow week.

This weekend, I got tired of scrolling through facebook – there’s nothing on there but weird political ads, one guy I went to high school with that I never talked to then or now, and recipes that I can’t eat (stupid weight watchers). Since I couldn’t take the Washington Post anymore…for obvious reasons – aka headlines on any given day, I moved to Pinterest. I’m not entirely sure this was a good move.

For some reason, my Pinterest feed is filled with Disney Travel (cause I can’t stop clicking on those blogs and reading them even though I’m not going to Disney in the foreseeable future), again-food I can’t eat, weight watchers recipes that seem like a good idea but once you actually click on it are disgusting-and for some reason, Gone with the Wind. There are just endless pictures of Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Vivien Leigh. That woman had one of the best resting bitch faces I’ve ever seen, but why is that filling my Pinterest feed? Also, all I can think about when I see pictures of Clark Gable is halitosis. Since he was born in Cadiz Ohio, I am all too familiar with Clark Gable.

Okay, I just went down a huge rabbit hole about Clark Gable on Wikipedia. Ugh, I need a deadline or I’m never going to get anything done.

Where was I?

Resting bitch face? No.

Clark Gable’s horrible bad breath? And honestly, I pity any woman who had to make out with him. But nope, that’s not what we were talking about.

My strange Gone with the Wind Pinterest feed? YES!

Where the hell did this weird shit come from? I know I didn’t click on anything that was Gone with the Wind related. I didn’t. I swear. Okay, I’m not going to lie to you, I can’t be sure. There’s no telling what I clicked on. If there was a list on there about the 10 best resting bitch faces in Hollywood, there’s a good chance I clicked on it. I’m a sucker for a list.

I would also like to throw out there that (and I’ve mentioned this in previous blog posts) I’m a really strange person. I first watched Gone with the Wind at the age of 5. The. WHOLE. FUCKING. THING. I sat there and watched it, intermission and all. I’ve seen Gone with the Wind more times than any single person should. I’ve probably spent at least a year of my life watching that movie. I’m not that sad about it either.

When I was little, I wanted to be Scarlet O’Hara (yes, I am aware that we named our daughter Scarlett – however, that wasn’t my choice. You can thank Ross for that one. It took me a good year to not hear, “Miss Scarlet”, in my head whenever I said her name). Back to the point. I wanted to be Scarlet O’Hara and now I see that might not be a good thing because she definitely had some disreputable character flaws; selfishness, she was a bully, there was definitely a win at all costs mentality to her. However, she also stood her ground, she was definitely an Alpha among Betas and loyal to a fault. Both the good and the bad, there are aspects of my personality where I really pulled it off.

I’m not sure if that’s positive or negative. It’s open for discussion and I don’t care what the outcome of that discussion is, I’m good.

See. Scarlet O’Hara.

Editing…

I’m almost done with my second round for Hereditary Magic. In case you missed the cover reveal, here you go.

HereditaryMagic_850 (1)

Woohoo! I’m very excited but then the pressure is on to Finish Amber Ruin, cause I’m not. Here’s the deal though, I’ve gone through the entire manuscript and hopefully made it better. I originally wrote most of it on Dropbox online. They have an online word function that really helped when I move between computers because I don’t write just in one place. What I didn’t know and didn’t actually pay attention to was the fact that all the quotation marks are automatically formatted as “. Straight up and down with no direction signifying where the dialogue begins and where it ends.

You might ask yourself, but Suzanne…why does it matter? I have no fucking clue. But my editor wants all of them changed. That’s all I know. There are 406 pages to this thing. Would you like to know how many quotation marks I have to go through and fix?????

4313

Four Thousand Three Hundred and Thirteen.

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is the shit that always bites me in the ass. I think I found something that’s going to be great, save me a bunch of time, and revolutionize my world AND, no. It ends up taking longer and burning brain cells to fix 4313 quotation marks. UGH!

I know what I’m doing this weekend.

The Rock

Okay, so we all know that Tom Hanks is a fine actor and that Denzel is . . . well . . . Denzel. But, I’m going to make a bold statement here – and stick with me on this one – I think that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson may be the greatest actor of our time.

I know. I know. You’re probably screaming at the screen right now. But Suzanne, how can you be serious? We’re talking about “THE ROCK”! I get it. I really do. And it would be a justified question. However, I’d like to make a case for my assertion.

His body of work doesn’t necessarily preclude one to think “wow, that guy’s a great actor”. He’s not doing period dramas or World War II epics. He’s doing comedies and as anyone who has tried to do comedy and failed . . . comedy is hard.

This clip from Jumanji is a great example. He’s supposed to be playing a skinny white kid embodied in the “superman” form.

Actually, Jack Black was also amazing in this movie, playing a teenage girl.

Dwayne Johnson also has musical talent. Does anyone really need reminded of Moana? Oh wait, clearly you do. Good luck getting this one out of your head.

Honestly, I think Moana might be my favorite Disney movie. The message is great for little girls, the music is incredible (thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda), and it’s completely underrated.

So, comedy and muscial talent isn’t your thing. If it’s a swing toward the dramatic that may sway you, let’s look at Ballers on HBO first.

I’m going to be honest. I’ve never actually seen this show. I wanted to and that should count for something. Shouldn’t it? I just don’t have time to watch. . . ANYTHING. I have to put Outlander and Game of Thrones on my Calendar for Christ’s sakes. You should see my Netflix list. Jessica Jones has been on it for a hot minute. Shit, I’ve had things in the DVR for years. I’ve gone off the rails. My point is that I’ve wanted to watch it from the start but haven’t found the time. Mostly, because of The Rock.

I think my favorite, by far, is Be Cool. This was a crap movie and should not have been made in the first place but there were a couple of standouts. 1. Andre 3000 (aka Andre Benjamin) as Dabu and 2. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. These two are the only reason I ever watch this movie. And I’m sorry to say that I’ve seen it more than once. Actually, I’m pretty ashamed to admit that, especially in writing because John Travolta is HORRIBLE!

I’ve managed to convince Ross of my argument about Dwayne Johnson. Just think about it for a minute. Are you convinced?

STRESSED!!

This has been hell week. Not for the faint of heart. The first week of classes is always something you dread and are ecstatic when it’s over. There isn’t enough coffee in the world to ease the stress of this week. On top of all everything else, this place is covered in scooters. Scooters, scooters everywhere. They’re just randomly placed, sometimes in the middle of the sidewalk. Let me tell you, these kids aren’t real comfortable on the scooters and they are wobbly as shit. I’m just waiting for the collision of scooter, pedestrian, and biker. An epic pile up of tangled limbs, spinning wheels and books EVERYWHERE.

This week is almost over. Tomorrow, I can sleep in and recoup from running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

*sigh*

A Hard Day

Confession time. Sunday was a hard day for me. Ross closed both weekend days which meant I was the primary parent all weekend with little to no relief because even when he’s here, it’s “I want MOMMY!”. By Sunday, I just needed a break but I wasn’t going to get it. Even though she took a nap, I still had to make dinner, do food prep, and stress about all the things I wasn’t doing. Which turns out – if you look at my family room and the utter mess it is – is quite a lot. I’d include a picture but at this point, I’m completely ashamed of the state of my house. I’m going to need a hazmat suit when I actually attempt to clean it.

So Sunday.

Scarlett was EXTREMELY whiney. Like whining about things she’d done herself. She woke up that way and it didn’t stop all day. We went to the pool and I thought that would exhaust some of the pure bitchiness out of her. Nope! I wasn’t so lucky.

For dinner, we had tuna noodle casserole. Now, I knew up front she wasn’t going to eat it without a fight. She’s three and a half. Everything, with the exception of peanut butter and jelly or a hot dog, is an argument. She of course, refused to eat it. We had a long conversation about trying things. She could absolutely not like it but she had to try it. This, of course, devolved into a screaming, crying, fit. I went into the kitchen go get my own dinner ready and when I turn around, she’d knocked her milk over, and spilling it everywhere – on purpose or not, I couldn’t say. I’m not sure why this was the piece that broke the dam but I had had it.

I grabbed her chair and put her in time out. Now, as a discipline tactic, time out sucks. I’m not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, other than my three year old daughter sobbing and staring at me with sad eyes and trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty. Jokes on you, I don’t feel guilt. Now, this bites me in the ass about twenty minutes into this melodrama.

She was staring at me with sad eyes and I asked her what was wrong. She said she was hungry and I said then she needed to eat her dinner. She got up, tasted a tiny bit, said she liked it and then asked if she needed to eat the carrots. About two bites later, she said she didn’t like it. At this point, I wanted to drink but wine is too many fucking points and I was already out for the day. Fucking weight watchers. Sometimes, I think I should just be fat and happy.

Anyway, I made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She tasted it. I don’t care if she doesn’t like it. There’s a ton of shit I don’t like. However, she has to try it. If she tries it and doesn’t like it, that’s one thing. I’m not going to make her eat something she doesn’t like. I’m not going to feed her PB&J or hot dogs simply because she refused to eat ANYTHING else.

After she ate the sandwich, the melodrama eased some and she said she was sorry for dropping her doll. DROPPING HER DOLL!

Me: What about the gigantic tantrum you through and the dinner you refused to eat? Are you sorry about that?

Scarlett: Shakes her head no.

Me: You’re not one bit sorry, are you?

Scarlett: Nooo.

That’s what I have to look forward to. I might just disappear for a few days to a hotel. Have a nice massage and a glass or twelve of wine and not give a flying fuck about the points. God, I need to get some writing done. That too. No pressure or anything.

Match Game

I’m a strange person and I’m well aware of this fact. Also, I don’t care.

I love the Match Game with Alec Baldwin. This is amazing. And the campy way he’s all in is incredible. Seriously, he’s toting around a Bob Barker style mic and hamming it up for the crowd. The decor is straight out of the 70’s, giving it a nostalgic feel. Honestly though, the people who remember watching this thing when it was originally on are either dead or can’t stay up late enough to watch the new show. It was on at 9:30 pm last night and that was pushing it for me. Don’t judge! I had a long and very stupid day and stupid makes me sleepy.

Aside from stupidity, I think what makes this fun is that Alec Baldwin is clearly having a blast. He’s enjoying himself and not ashamed to show it. Everyone seems to be having a good time and laughing. Sometimes, I find people laughing funnier than the actual jokes. I don’t know why. There also isn’t any weirdness about someone being a celebrity vs a normal person. They’re all just having fun.

A little aside…Horatio Sands was on last night as one of the panelists. What’s he doing with his life lately? Just wondering, you know, for a friend…

There’s a part of me that thinks maybe Alec Baldwin is a real asshole but also ton’s of fun. You know…like me.

Stuck With No Way to Pay

On Saturday, Scarlett and I went to breakfast. We usually go to breakfast on a weekend morning, just her and me. This time we went to Mimi’s Cafe at Polaris. This may seem ridiculous to say about a breakfast with a three and a half year old but we had a lovely time. We colored. We chatted. We ate all of our breakfast without prompting – and this is a big one. Then I was getting ready to pay the check.

This has never happened to me. EVER.

I didn’t have my wallet.

In a rush to get out the door and corral her, while switching my stuff from my work bag to my toddler bag – aka the bag with her collapsable toilet seat in it – I’d forgotten to put my wallet in the bag. Just as an aside, if you have toddlers and don’t have one of these things, you’re crazy. This toilet seat will change your life.

Anyway, I was about to have a panic attack. There wasn’t anyone I could call. Ross was at work and even though he butt dials me about four times a day, the odds of him actually answering an incoming call are slim to none. He legit butt dials me multiple times a day and he even has a code to unlock his phone. I have no idea how, but it happens. I get these two and a half minute voicemails of him talking to someone else. They used to be funny, now it’s just annoying.

So, here I was sitting at the table, having already eaten my breakfast, and freaking the fuck out. The woman came to my table and I explained the situation. She looked at me with not even a frown of skepticism or a raised eyebrow. I told her I would be back in 20 minutes and she said it was fine. The whole way back to my house, I was bookin’ it by the way, I was thinking about how that woman didn’t even blink an eye. Either she’d been in that situation herself or it wasn’t the first time someone had told her that.

I’d just like to say that I made it back to the restaurant in 19 minutes. I might have been speeding. The hostess laughed at me when I told her what I was doing. She said, “Did you dine and dash on us?” with a laugh and something about it made me feel less stressed and embarrassed about the whole thing. Our original waitress didn’t seem surprised to see me. In fact, she said I wasn’t worried. I knew you’d be back. I asked her if it had been the mild panic I’d been in and she just smiled at me. She didn’t give me shit and was very nice for the situation I found myself in. The bill was $19 and I didn’t feel the least bit back matching that for a tip. She deserved every bit of it. So thank you, who ever you are. I appreciate it.

Not Everyone is Meant to Walk in Darkness

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