Ray is the worst Disney Death Ever

Our router got fried at some point on Saturday. What this means is that we don’t have Wifi or cable until Tuesday. This is a problem. We’d managed to go all day yesterday, entertaining the toddler until around dinner time when we were both exhausted. We decided to put in a movie. Thankfully, we managed to talk her out of all versions of Toy Story. I can’t watch it again. I need a serious break from Woody, Jessie, and Buzz. I just do. Watching this began a conversation that has happened many times but needs to be addressed again.

Why does Disney feel the need to kill everyone’s parents? Why?

At first, you may think, there aren’t that many…

You would be wrong. Let’s go through the list.

  1. Snow White – both parents are dead
  2. Cinderella – Both parents are dead
  3. The Little Mermaid – Dead Mother
  4. Moana – Dead Grandmother
  5. Lilo & Stitch – Both parents are dead
  6. Lion King – Mufasa! NOOOOOOO! DEAD!
  7. Frozen – Both parents dead
  8. Beauty and the Beast – Dead Mother
  9. Aladdin – Who the fuck knows. I’m going with Dead.
  10. Toy Story – Where is Andy’s Dad? No one knows.
  11. Finding Nemo – Dead Mother
  12. Princess and the Frog – Dead Father
  13. Pocahontas – Dead Mother
  14. Tarzan – Both Parents are Dead
  15. Sword in the Stone – Both Parents are Dead

That’s a lot! I mean, come on. They had to start doing movies about inanimate objects just to get around some of this. Coco is all about death.

This has a point, I promise. One of the worst deaths to ever hit a Disney movie is Ray the lightning bug in the Princess and the Frog.

This was about the point where my daughter started screaming “Don’t step on him!” from atop her cozy coupe.

 

If this doesn’t have you all teary then I don’t know what could reach your icy black heart. And this is coming from someone with an icy black heart. Just sayin’.

I went to see this movie in the theater, by myself. Yes, cause I’m that big of a Disney fan. I remember thinking that Ray’s death was a bit harsh but looking at the list above, I’m starting to think I should have been expecting it.

Countdown to #TreatYoSelf

It’s that time again. It’s my BIRTHDAY!

I’m going to be 40 and could give two shits about the number. It’s my birthday and that means presents. I love presents. I mean, I. LOVE. PRESENTS.

Every year, Ross and I have a day where we #TreatYoSelf. We buy things we want that are frivolous. We eat amazing food like it’s going out of style. We basically have a day of fantastic.

This year is a big one so it was go big or go home. We’re going BIG! There will be an entire week of #TreatYoSelf. We’re going to Vegas Baby!

If you want to see our #TreatYoSelf week,  you can follow me on twitter (@Suzannemsabol) or on facebook at SuzanneMSabol/Author. All the juicy tidbits will be there.

Let the countdown begin!

Alert! Toddler on the Loose!

Do you know what happens when you leave a 3 year old at the other end of the house while you make dinner?

This!

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This happens!

If you leave a child alone, she will take all of your “to be read” pile and build a castle. Granted there are a lot of books in that “to be read” pile, however, she built a castle. It’s actually architecturally sound. #FutureArchitect

Two days later and it’s still standing. I didn’t have the heart to tear it down. Not yet anyway.

Donuts by Design

I get ridiculously stressed out by Taco Bell’s menu. There are too many things on it and it’s all over the place. There’s the added pressure of being in the drive-thru (because who actually goes into a Taco Bell?) and the knowledge that someone, just as hangry as you are is waiting behind you. I’ve just stopped going to Taco Bell.

This is relevant, I swear.

On Saturday morning, Scarlett and I went to Duck Donuts. If you’ve never been there, it’s basically donuts made to order. Sounds amazing right? NO!

The below is what their menu looks like. You have to choose everything. They give you a pad of paper with the choices on it and a little golf pencil.

Driving Do’s and Don’t’s

I’m an angry driver. I get it. People on the road are stupid, generally. Cutting people off, turning left from the right hand lane (aka crossing traffic), and all the other idiotic things you’ve seen or can think of. There are plenty and I swear at those people regularly.

However, there are some things you just shouldn’t do. One of those things is throw a lit cigarette at the open window of a minivan that you’re passing. I don’t care how angry you are!

Things that can happen if you throw a lit cigarette into another car:

  1. First and foremost, property damage.
  2. You could possibly injure another person permanently, scarring them from the item you intentionally tossed at them. You know the thing that was literally on fire.
  3. Cause a chain reaction of accidents that could injure or possible kill people in other vehicles not associated with your rage-filled stupidity

I personally thought this was something I wouldn’t have to tell people. Evidently, I was wrong.

Thank You!

I wanted to take this opportunity to let you all know how much I appreciate your continued interest in my blog, my site, and my books. Thank you!

Beginning in July, I’m going to change the frequency of my blog posts and newsletter campaigns (I couldn’t really think of another word for it. Yeah, I’m a writer.)

Anyway, I’ll be posting a blog on Monday and Friday and then sending out a newsletter with fun stuff and extra content twice a month. Cause let’s be real, I don’t have that much shit to say three times a week. I feel that a blog twice a week gives me enough time to really build up that audacity at the world around me and deliver quality, funny, and world class sarcastic content.

So, if you would like the additional content, please sign up for my newsletter. I’ll include stuff like funny stories, pictures, and exclusive content.

Again, a big THANK YOU to everyone out there.

TV Reboots

I don’t really understand the resurgence of old tv shows. Let’s be honest, there are some that just shouldn’t be. I know I was extremely excited about X-Files but after the return season, I just lost interest. I might be too old for X-Files. The things I loved and worshiped in my youth, no longer keep me enthralled.

X-Files presented an interesting experiment, right. The same people coming back to revive their roles. I think if you’re going to update a show, meaning replacing the actors to reinvent a role, you have to tread carefully. There are certain people that just shouldn’t be replaced.

First, Angela Lansbury, for one. I mean, I personally think that Jessica Fletcher might have been the grim reaper. Everywhere she went someone died! I mean, how big was that town? I’m not sure that many people lived there.

Second, Tom Selleck. DO NOT FUCK WITH MAGNUM P.I.! Just don’t. And yet.

 

No! Just no! This is blasphemy! I simply refuse.

Webinar Fails

On Wednesday night, I participated in a webinar about growing your subscriptions. It was scheduled from 8 pm to 9 pm EST. This is prime bedtime for Scarlett and not really a good time for me but I thought it might be valuable to grow my core audience. So, I made the time. I plopped my daughter in front of the television (good parenting choice, I know) and signed in.

For the first 15 minutes, I sat there as the guy running this thing tried to figure out how to use the technology for the webinar. Each moment that passes, I’m getting more and more pissed because 1. I’m being a bad parent and I know it; then 2. YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME!

Finally, this guy figures out how to get the camera to view him – not the power point he had planned to put up on the screen – and he moves forward. As the presentation moves forward in his presentation, it becomes clear to me that he is referring to a power point. However, since I can’t see the power point presentation, I have no frame of reference for what he’s talking about. I managed to get a couple of things out of it but since I was clearly missing vital bits of this presentation, I’m not entirely sure who helpful they’ll be.

At 8:50 pm, I had to leave and put my daughter to bed, you know, since this thing was supposed to be winding down. I probably missed some things but that couldn’t be helped. I came back after I turned her lights out and the webinar continued for another 30 minutes until we got to the point where he said that if we didn’t want to do the work, we could just hire his company to do it for us. Then he would take questions.

After an hour and a half of this bullshit, I actually snorted in disbelief. Why would I hire someone who can’t get the tech to work, who doesn’t believe that my time is valuable, and who isn’t prepared?

Seriously, you’re giving a webinar. TEST THE PROGRAM FIRST! Don’t wait until you go live to figure out that there are problems.

At that statement, I closed it down. I didn’t even stay for the Q&A because I was tired,  annoyed, and needed to wash my face.

Bedtime Shenanigans

Two days in a row. Lucky you!

Please tell me this is a phase, because this is getting annoying. Three or four nights in a row bed time, we’ve read two books, hugged and kissed good night, turned out the light, and then shenanigans.

Scarlett jumps out of bed, stomps (because she runs EVERYWHERE and it sounds like a herd of elephants) up to our room and peeks inside – poking her face in between the door and the doorjamb. Then she very carefully and precisely, opens the door and pushes it back closed. She walks up to the bed and the conversation is as follows – I shit you not:

Me: What’s up?

Scarlett: Well, um, I just came in here to tell you that . . . I . . . need to use the potty.

Me: Okay, well go.

She takes off running to the bathroom. There’s some stomping, some dragging of the stool across tile floor, then some chatting to herself.

Sometimes she pees. Most of the time, not.

This happens three or four times before I finally set my foot down. Here’s the thing. If she says she has to use the potty, I don’t stop her. She’s been potty trained for less than a year. She doesn’t have accidents that often but they do happen – because she waits until the last damned minute. I don’t want to tell her no, and then that be an actual time she has to use the potty, thereby leading to an accident when she pees the bed. That’s not fun for anyone. Especially me or Ross, who has to give her a quick bath (cause you know, she’s covered in pee), change the bed linens, wash everything, and then get her back to sleep.

#NOPE

Long Weekend Lag

I completely forgot to post a blog yesterday. Mostly because I forgot it was Monday, call it a casualty of the long weekend.

In celebration of the long weekend, yesterday there was a marathon of Star Wars on TV. What this means for normal people is not what it means in our house. This is the conversation after we got back from the park.

Scarlett: I don’t want to watch Star Wars (cause she knows what it is upon seeing it at 3 years old – process that).

Ross: Well, Daddy wants to watch Star Wars and it’s time for Daddy TV.

Me: Scarlett, this is a lesson to learn early. When Star Wars is on, Daddy’s going to watch it.

Scarlett: But I don’t wanna watch Star Wars!

Me: Hey, Scarlett! Who’s that? (I said pointing at the TV).

Scarlett: Princess Leia! (This was shouted in glee. I’ve been trying to show her princesses with good leadership skills and who don’t take a lot of shit.)

Crisis averted and she actually started to watch it. Now, whether this was because of a complete surrender to the nap she’d avoided during the early afternoon or something else, I can’t say. However, she watched a good hour of Empire.

After she passed out on the couch, sitting up, Ross and I started talking about the fiscal solvency of the rebellion. Here are the major points.

  1. the Rebellion always leaves a bunch of expensive shit behind when they have to flee a hideout. Where are they getting all the cash flow for these computers.
  2. With all the beep boop beep boop equipment happening on both sides, why can’t the Empire just track sales of this equipment and find these people?
  3. We are sacrificing A LOT of fighters and actual men, for ships to get away. Who’s on those ships?

I thought the Empire troop carriers that look like elephants were stupid, but Ross started making all of these military history comparisons and listing the names of these things – like they actually exist on this planet – that’s when I knew we were done. We had veered off course into Star Wars fan-land, never to return.

Not Everyone is Meant to Walk in Darkness

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