Tag Archives: man of steel

Movies, Superheros, and Constructing a Narrative

So, I had a lot of time off over the holidays. Did I get any writing done?

Um, no. That’s going to be a big negative.

What I did do was read some books, do family/holiday stuff, and practice my new trombone. That’s right, I got a trombone for christmas from my very loving and soon to be very sorry husband. I also watched a few movies. Let’s talk about one of those movies in particular.

Prepare yourself, for this epic rant because I didn’t know how angry I was until I started talking about it to Ross that night after I watched Black Adam.

There’s alot going around about how this bombed and how everyone is getting recast to reboot DCEU . . . again.

This movie wasn’t horrible. It was just the same shit DC does with all there live action movies. Its the same problems that all the other movies had – with the exception of Wonder Woman (2017) and Man of Steel (2013). I would like to pay particular homage to Christopher Nolan‘s The Dark Knight Trilogy – a complete character/story arc which is now the exception, rather than te rule. In Black Adam, DCEU treated its audience like they were stupid and that they would consume anything they threw at the masses.

This is incorrect and, quite frankly, insulting.

You have to tell an actual fucking story. You can’t just throw some characters into the movie without backstory, build-up, goals, motivations, or -most importantly- conflicts and think that its going to work. Because it won’t.

You know why Marvel movies/content work so well? Because people sat down and figured out what story they wanted to tell and DID THE FUCKING WORK. They laid the groundwork for new characters, and items, concepts in each subsequent film or show. They built a narrative that drew people in. Even if not every movie or tv show is a hit, they build upon each other. Marvel, under Kevin Feige, built actual storyboards to continue a story through multiple films instead of this disjointed nonsense that the DCEU keeps presenting.

DCEU seems to refuse to do this. They just throw a bunch of shit at you without the cohesion of an actual narrative and bank on the decades of comic book devotion to carry the rest. The reason that there is such devotion to these comics is because of THE STORIES THEY TOLD! If the comics pulled this shit, DC would have collapsed decades ago.

James Gunn can recast anything and everything several times over. Here’s a little secret, though. The problem isn’t the actors. The problem is the story telling. You’re not delivering a product that people want to buy regardless of the packaging. Packaging (aka actors) only get you so far.

Black Adam was the same shit DCEU has been throwing at us for years now.

Here’s another thing that pissed me off.

Pierce Brosnan as Doctor Fate was a chef’s kiss of casting and DCEU WASTED HIM! Literally wasted him. Wasted the character. Wasted the actor. I can’t even express to you how appaled I was by the end of that movie.

They didn’t even explain Hawkman. They didn’t explain why this dude had giant wings attached to his back and could fly. They didn’t explain why he lived in a palatial english type estate in Lousiana. They did nothing, not in this movie or any other movies to lay the ground work for this. And let’s be honest. The only interesting shit about Hawkman is Hawkgirl and she was no where in site.

They put together a group of people for this world saving mission with no introductions to ANY of them. And somehow, Amanda Waller is involved. . .

Black Adam was just one more shitshow in a long line of lazy shitshows that came from the DCEU. I keep watching these movies in the hopes that they’ll finally get it right. The animated movies are so good! DCEU just can’t seem to translate that animation narrative to the live action movies and that’s sad. They have so much material to work with and they seem to be ignoring it.

And in a Covid world, you have to put out a really good product that has me itching to see it to get me in a theatre. Sorry DCEU, but your movies just don’t rate.

Sex & the Superhero

this is a conversation that has come up several times over the years, and maybe I’m thinking too hard about it. But the other day, some friends of mine and I reintroduced the subject of Superman and Lois Lane having sex. This was a conversation that took way too long but we laughed a lot.

Darla Merlot (name changed to be funny) gave us all a link, proving that we weren’t the only ones thinking about this. People published this shit.

Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex

BLURB

Please note that the content of this book primarily consists of articles available from Wikipedia or other free sources online. “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” is an essay in which science fiction author Larry Niven details the problems that Superman would face in having sexual intercourse and reproducing with “a human woman designated LL for convenience,” using arguments based on humorous (yet logical) reconciliation between physics, biology and the abilities of Kryptonians as presented in Superman comic books. It was first printed in Niven’s 1971 collection, All the Myriad Ways. It was also reprinted in the Niven compilation N-Space; as well, a comic book adaptation – illustrated by classic Superman artist Curt Swan, and with all identifying logos and names removed – was published in Penthouse Comix.

It might be something that a guy printed in his garage, or ordered a bunch of to give to his friends, but it proves that these are questions the world needs to address.

There are real issues that need to be discussed:

  1. Will Superman, in the throws, break Lois’s pelvis and crush her insides into dust?
  2. When Superman ejaculates, does his sperm act like a bullet and just go straight up through Lois Lane’s body? Thereby killing her and ending this conversation.
  3. If he does come, we all understand no condom will work – cause a little latex isn’t going to stop Superman – and Lois Lane manages to live, does his sperm ever die?
  4. If it doesn’t die, will Lois Lane eventually absorb his power as his sperm continue to live on and accumulate inside her?
  5. Side question, if Superman’s sperm accumulates over time inside Lois Lane, does she just explode as Superman’s spunk slowly builds up over time? Kinda like a giant balloon until she eventually POPS!

When I posed these questions to Ross, his instantaneous answer was “well, he’ll have to pull out, of course”.

I countered with, “that’s not going to happen EVERY time. Even Superman gets carried away.”

After a while, he decided that you just needed some Kryptonite to weaken him enough that it wouldn’t be detrimental to Lois Lane’s health. “Just keep some on the nightstand,” he said. Then I started cackling because all I could imagine was a salt lamp glowing green in the corner.

Image result for salt lamp

This, however, led to a whole other argument about the slow poisoning of Superman every night. Plus, every instance of Superman coming in contact with Kryptonite that I’ve ever seen resulted in him writhing in pain and I’m sorry, but that’s just not sexy.

This brought up a side discussion about Kryptonite condoms and if that would make Superman’s dick fall off. Ross says definitely no. Maybe not, but it’s definitely killing the mood.

After returning to the “kryptonite is slowly killing Superman every night”, Ross refuted this claim, saying that Superman would be restored everyday when he went back into “the yellow sun”.

He actually said the “yellow sun” out loud, as if our sun had options as far as colors go. I know that’s how they talk about it in the comics but for fuck’s sake, be less of a nerd. Serously.

It was at that point that i recapped my conversation with Ross to my friends on slack, to prove that this was a debate worth having. Also, I could go down this rabbit hole all day long. I’m not ashamed either. This is a very valuable philosophical debate.