this is a conversation that has come up several times over the years, and maybe I’m thinking too hard about it. But the other day, some friends of mine and I reintroduced the subject of Superman and Lois Lane having sex. This was a conversation that took way too long but we laughed a lot.
Darla Merlot (name changed to be funny) gave us all a link, proving that we weren’t the only ones thinking about this. People published this shit.
Please note that the content of this book primarily consists of articles available from Wikipedia or other free sources online. “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” is an essay in which science fiction author Larry Niven details the problems that Superman would face in having sexual intercourse and reproducing with “a human woman designated LL for convenience,” using arguments based on humorous (yet logical) reconciliation between physics, biology and the abilities of Kryptonians as presented in Superman comic books. It was first printed in Niven’s 1971 collection, All the Myriad Ways. It was also reprinted in the Niven compilation N-Space; as well, a comic book adaptation – illustrated by classic Superman artist Curt Swan, and with all identifying logos and names removed – was published in Penthouse Comix.
It might be something that a guy printed in his garage, or ordered a bunch of to give to his friends, but it proves that these are questions the world needs to address.
There are real issues that need to be discussed:
- Will Superman, in the throws, break Lois’s pelvis and crush her insides into dust?
- When Superman ejaculates, does his sperm act like a bullet and just go straight up through Lois Lane’s body? Thereby killing her and ending this conversation.
- If he does come, we all understand no condom will work – cause a little latex isn’t going to stop Superman – and Lois Lane manages to live, does his sperm ever die?
- If it doesn’t die, will Lois Lane eventually absorb his power as his sperm continue to live on and accumulate inside her?
- Side question, if Superman’s sperm accumulates over time inside Lois Lane, does she just explode as Superman’s spunk slowly builds up over time? Kinda like a giant balloon until she eventually POPS!
When I posed these questions to Ross, his instantaneous answer was “well, he’ll have to pull out, of course”.
I countered with, “that’s not going to happen EVERY time. Even Superman gets carried away.”
After a while, he decided that you just needed some Kryptonite to weaken him enough that it wouldn’t be detrimental to Lois Lane’s health. “Just keep some on the nightstand,” he said. Then I started cackling because all I could imagine was a salt lamp glowing green in the corner.
This, however, led to a whole other argument about the slow poisoning of Superman every night. Plus, every instance of Superman coming in contact with Kryptonite that I’ve ever seen resulted in him writhing in pain and I’m sorry, but that’s just not sexy.
This brought up a side discussion about Kryptonite condoms and if that would make Superman’s dick fall off. Ross says definitely no. Maybe not, but it’s definitely killing the mood.
After returning to the “kryptonite is slowly killing Superman every night”, Ross refuted this claim, saying that Superman would be restored everyday when he went back into “the yellow sun”.
He actually said the “yellow sun” out loud, as if our sun had options as far as colors go. I know that’s how they talk about it in the comics but for fuck’s sake, be less of a nerd. Serously.
It was at that point that i recapped my conversation with Ross to my friends on slack, to prove that this was a debate worth having. Also, I could go down this rabbit hole all day long. I’m not ashamed either. This is a very valuable philosophical debate.