Tag Archives: superman

DC Rabbit Hole

I have gone down a rabbit hole. When we signed up for HBOMax at the beginning of 2021 . . . I think-we had HBOgo before that-I uncovered a whole world of DC media. Yes, of course the movies were in there but those all suck. God, why can’t DC get that shit right? However, the wealth of content is actully in the animated stuff. There’s so much there and it’s really good.

First, Ross and I rewatched all of Batman the Animated Series. It holds up. I will to this day argue that the BEST Batman/Bruce Wayne is Kevin Conroy. Change my mind. Top tip, you won’t.

Then we moved onto the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited. There are several things I learned from this. Hawkgirl is basically DC’s version of the Hulk. There were many times while watching this that Ross or myself would call out, “Hawkgirl smash”. This was fun, like a drinking game only with tired, grown-ass-adults with nothing better to do. We also are still doing that everytime Batman uses his grappling hook. Calling this out each time is theraputic for some reason. I also find it really cute when Superman acts like he’s in charge. We all know he isn’t.

Also, I just find the fact that Batman is a father delightful. Justified that Batman/Bruce Wayne is the WORST parent on the face of the planet and makes extremely questionable parenting decisions, like taking children out to fight crime (for one). This did, in fact, get one of the Robin’s killed. So, let’s keep that in mind but watching him try to be a regular parent is hilarious.

I can’t watch this enough. This is just plain hilarious. This will never stop being funny.

We should move on to one of my favorite DC characters. No, its not Wonder Woman. I personally find WW a bit one dementional like Superman. No, my favorite is not a hero (although Batman and Damian Wayne, really ride that hero/villain line). Of course my favorite is a villain. I LOVE and I mean in an obcessive kinda way, Harley Quinn. I own a Harley Quinn blazer for fuck’s sake. Its amazing. I wear it to work. I give zero fucks about fangirling hard at work. I’m also glad that DC realized the wonderful asset they had in Harley Quinn and Margot Robbie. That character might be the only reason people are still watching Suicide Squad. Again, prove me wrong.

Harley Quinn series is amazing. The Bane jokes alone are worth the watch.

The weird, long forgotten villains like Condiment King (cause why was this ever a thing), Kite Man (yes, this is an actual villain in DC), and Queen of Fables (so weird that someone not only thought this one up but that it was actually a thing) make appearances. God, no wonder they keep using Darkseid. Most of DC’s villains are just so fucking dumb.

If you haven’t watched Batman and Harley Quinn, please do so. I have never cackled so hard as when Harley farted in the Batmobile. OMG, I wanted to die my stomach hurt so much. I’ve plopped the trailer in here for your enjoyment.

We couldn’t watch Batman Beyond. I just couldn’t deal with it. Although, old and craggly Bruce Wayne was a pleasure. Even in his dotage, Bruce Wayne is a complete and utter asshat. I love it.

We’re currently working our way through The Batman. it was on cartoon network a while ago and I can’t figure out why everyone was drawn with GIGANTIC finger tips and faces that look like they’ve been punched in. Now, I don’t even refer to it by name. I just ask, are we watching Punchy Faced Batman? Also, why is the Joker barefoot? WHY? I’ve included the intro.

Ross keeps making fun of me that I’ve disappeared down this rabbit hole. I’ll be honest with you, considering my last post and the shit shows I deal with everyday, I can’t deal with heavy drama at the moment. I like knowing that Batman is always going to kickass and that the bad guys will get what’s coming to them. Superhero cartoons make me happy at the moment. I’m sure I’ll get tired of it but right now, its just hitting the spot.

Sex & the Superhero

this is a conversation that has come up several times over the years, and maybe I’m thinking too hard about it. But the other day, some friends of mine and I reintroduced the subject of Superman and Lois Lane having sex. This was a conversation that took way too long but we laughed a lot.

Darla Merlot (name changed to be funny) gave us all a link, proving that we weren’t the only ones thinking about this. People published this shit.

Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex

BLURB

Please note that the content of this book primarily consists of articles available from Wikipedia or other free sources online. “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” is an essay in which science fiction author Larry Niven details the problems that Superman would face in having sexual intercourse and reproducing with “a human woman designated LL for convenience,” using arguments based on humorous (yet logical) reconciliation between physics, biology and the abilities of Kryptonians as presented in Superman comic books. It was first printed in Niven’s 1971 collection, All the Myriad Ways. It was also reprinted in the Niven compilation N-Space; as well, a comic book adaptation – illustrated by classic Superman artist Curt Swan, and with all identifying logos and names removed – was published in Penthouse Comix.

It might be something that a guy printed in his garage, or ordered a bunch of to give to his friends, but it proves that these are questions the world needs to address.

There are real issues that need to be discussed:

  1. Will Superman, in the throws, break Lois’s pelvis and crush her insides into dust?
  2. When Superman ejaculates, does his sperm act like a bullet and just go straight up through Lois Lane’s body? Thereby killing her and ending this conversation.
  3. If he does come, we all understand no condom will work – cause a little latex isn’t going to stop Superman – and Lois Lane manages to live, does his sperm ever die?
  4. If it doesn’t die, will Lois Lane eventually absorb his power as his sperm continue to live on and accumulate inside her?
  5. Side question, if Superman’s sperm accumulates over time inside Lois Lane, does she just explode as Superman’s spunk slowly builds up over time? Kinda like a giant balloon until she eventually POPS!

When I posed these questions to Ross, his instantaneous answer was “well, he’ll have to pull out, of course”.

I countered with, “that’s not going to happen EVERY time. Even Superman gets carried away.”

After a while, he decided that you just needed some Kryptonite to weaken him enough that it wouldn’t be detrimental to Lois Lane’s health. “Just keep some on the nightstand,” he said. Then I started cackling because all I could imagine was a salt lamp glowing green in the corner.

Image result for salt lamp

This, however, led to a whole other argument about the slow poisoning of Superman every night. Plus, every instance of Superman coming in contact with Kryptonite that I’ve ever seen resulted in him writhing in pain and I’m sorry, but that’s just not sexy.

This brought up a side discussion about Kryptonite condoms and if that would make Superman’s dick fall off. Ross says definitely no. Maybe not, but it’s definitely killing the mood.

After returning to the “kryptonite is slowly killing Superman every night”, Ross refuted this claim, saying that Superman would be restored everyday when he went back into “the yellow sun”.

He actually said the “yellow sun” out loud, as if our sun had options as far as colors go. I know that’s how they talk about it in the comics but for fuck’s sake, be less of a nerd. Serously.

It was at that point that i recapped my conversation with Ross to my friends on slack, to prove that this was a debate worth having. Also, I could go down this rabbit hole all day long. I’m not ashamed either. This is a very valuable philosophical debate.