This week, I started seeing a therapist.
I feel like this was probably a long time coming. I feel burnt-the-fuck-out on several fronts.
First, the toxicity of my job and the environment has worn me down. We have a lot of people in management positions/leadership positions that haven’t had a lot of training on how to manage people. Anyone who has undertaken that role knows that it can suck . . . hard but is critically important to the proper functioning of any workplace. So, when its not done right, it can cause an implosion of shit. Which is what’s happening now.
Second, I feel like I’m struggling to juggle all the balls at home too. I’m responsible for keeping everyone on track, for making sure all the things get done, that scarlett is doing her homework, that the trash gets taken out, that the cats get fed, that scarlett has her lunch made everyday, and the list goes on.
Third, I haven’t been writing. I haven’t even opened the document in months. I just don’t have it in me right now to put words on a page. I’m not sure when it stopped being fun. Maybe it was when COVID hit and I couldn’t interact with my writing group on a regular basis anymore. Maybe it was with the whole RWA racism debacle and I lost the larger group to interact with and meet readers. I don’t know.
I’m physically exhausted, mentally exhausted, and I’m starting to drop the balls I’ve so carefully been juggling high in the air and making mistakes.
Mental health is so important and I noticed that I wasn’t functioning at the level that I’m used to and taking on things that are toxic that suddenly become my problem when they are not.
So, this week was my first appointment with my new therapist. I’m usually so good at compartmentalizing and just getting shit done, that about five minutes into the session, I was sobbing as I told her why I was even there because I couldn’t compartmentalize anymore. We talked about my goals, which to be fair, I’m not sure that what we talked about is right but its some place to start.
The reality is, I can’t get back to the level of juggling that I previously had been functioning at, and I’m not sure I want to either. I can’t fix everyone. People have to be responsible for themselves and their duties. I can’t do everything for them and I don’t want to anymore.
So, here’s the thing. I don’t know if this will help but it can’t hurt either.