Tag Archives: HGTV

Best Show on TV

I don’t know if any of you have seen this but I’ve been cackling all week.

First, I love Retta. She’s amazing and I want to be her best friend but not in a weird way. She’s hilarious. I need a show that is completely Retta going around and viewing bat shit crazy houses. I could care less about the reno but watching her react as any of us would react to some of these houses, is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a while.

Second, I love home disasters and the length of time it took them to figure out that the glitter house (yep, you read that right. . .glitter) was a former brothel was too long and amazing to watch. My concern is the speed at which I understood what that house was used for. . . because it was really quickly, like before the identified cameras in every room.

Third, the Northeast semifinal round did not bring the ugly like the prior two rounds. I KNOW the north east has way more ugly houses than that. Where were you?

Fourth, the west division was ugly but not that bad. Thank you jungle house for living up to my expectations of what kind of ridiculous shit people will put in their houses. Also, dated doesn’t mean ugly. It just means dated. Carpet around the base of a kitchen island . . . that’s something else entirely.

I need people to stop buying things that are not meant for housing and living in them like they’re houses. Do no buy a full-fledged funeral home and think you can convert it. Don’t buy a day care and think it’ll be easy to renovate, because it won’t. If you bought, what used to be a bank, because of the driveway, that just makes you dumb. Don’t buy a house that used to be a barn and then be surprised when it’s a hundred degrees in there, the structure was never built for house HVAC properly.

The prize for this show is $150K renovation by Alison Victoria. You may know her from Windy City Rehab. She’s the scary one who likes to paint a lot of things black for dramatic effect. The point here is, that $150K isn’t going to change the structure of your house. If you bought a house shaped like a pyramid and has windows that look like its grinning at you from the street, no amount of money is going to fix that. You’re still going to have weird ass angles in your house and tiny windows. If you bought a house made of cinderblocks and corrugated metal and no insulation, that isn’t going to change. Knock that shit down and start again. That’s your only option.

So, what have we learned?

  1. That people buy houses for stupid reasons – like the driveway…
  2. That HGTV has made everyone think they can rehab an entire house and it’ll be just fine. Here’s a hint- it won’t. You don’t know what you’re doing.
  3. People will still overpay for stupid houses. If you think half a million dollars is a low ball offer for a house that has a Poseidon Fountain out front, your idea and my idea of low ball are VERY different.
  4. Never buy a house at a sheriff’s sale. That’s how you end up with a glitter encrusted former brothel
  5. If you’re in a relationship and you buy a house without your partner’s consent or input, you should expect divorce papers and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
  6. $150K isn’t going to be enough to fix some of these houses

What did they just say?

Okay, I’ve heard some stupid shit uttered on House Hunters. I know we’ve talked about HGTV before but last night’s episode was particularly ridiculous. I often feel bad for the narrator who has to repeat this shit. I often wonder if she reads the copy and then just rolls her eyes.

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Let’s look at a few gems from the episode last night.

  1. The dude was a fan of “a dramatically pitched roof”
  2. Just because it has an A-frame does not make it a Tudor.
  3. Just because it’s a big room, doesn’t make it an open floor plan. If you see walls and doorways leading to other…rooms, that’s not an open floor plan.
  4. Also, don’t call your realtor “braw”. You’re not that cool.

After the second instance of the open floor plan comment, I had to turn it off and go to sleep. However, over the last few days, there have been some doozies. Like the kid who kept saying he liked the craftsman touches. Nope, it’s just wood paneling. Not even like shiplap or actual wood planks (1 x 6 or 1 x 8 planks) nailed to the wall as a design element. If you’d like an actual description of what is and is not shiplap check out The Craftsman Blog. This was actual wood paneling ( from the the 70’s that someone had painted over, cause we all know that wood paneling is a bitch.

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Can we talk about how this picture might as well be my living room…sigh

Anyway…

I particularly loved the couple who said, and I’m paraphrasing here, We want the large spaces we’re used to. We’re afraid that moving to Europe will mean we have to downsize. YES! Yes, you will have to downsize. Everything in Europe is smaller. It just is. You can’t get a 4000 square foot house in the middle of Amsterdam. That’s not how that works.

Part of the fun of watching House Hunters, at least for Ross and I, is the betting on which house they’ll choose and then the debate on if the choice was a good one. If you’re stupid about your search and don’t actually know what you’re talking about, we all know your choice is a bad one and therefore, takes all the fun out of it.

HGTV Gone Wrong

Ross and I are pretty much like every other 30-something couple. We go to work. We have a baby. We own a house. And, we love HGTV.  It is with a heavy heart that I must confess HGTV has gone horribly wrong and betrayed us all, at least where Ross is concerned. There were a few things that led to the dismantling of my husband’s love affair with the home improvement channel.

Flip or Flop – I’m not sure why he loves this show so much. But he does. He even watches it when I’m not around which I still find amusing. Anyway, when the news broke that Christina and Tarek were secretly separated and getting a divorce, the show took on a whole new perspective. Christina’s side eye glances became mocking instead of endearing. The holiday commercials with the two of them and their kids talking about how they like to spend their days together watching Christmas movies were a joke. At one point, Ross shouted at the tv, “Stop lying to us”. I never laughed so hard in my life.

House Hunters – it was one of the conversations we were having about Flip or Flop that I brought up House Hunters. The conversation went a little something like this.

Me: Well, you know House Hunters if fake too, right?

Ross: What do you mean it’s fake? (Please envision a horrified expression gracing my poor husband’s face.)

Me: I read it’s fake too. I read somewhere that some of the houses they look at aren’t even up for sale. But I mean it you look at it, you can tell. Their reactions are a little too stilted. 

Ross: WHAT? Don’t tell me that! That just ruins the show for me.

This leads to the last nail in the coffin…

Fixer Upper – During the same conversation, I brought up the easy, go to Saturday marathon filler, Fixer Upper.

Me: Do you even want to know about Fixer Upper then?

Ross: (with a heavy sigh) I guess. What?

Me: I read that the house has to already be in contract before they’ll start filming so the whole fist portion is staged. I’m not sure why they need to do that. Nobody really cares about that segment anyway. Just have the people come in and say, ‘hey, we bought this house and want you to rehab the shit out of it.’ That would work just as well, if not better.

Ross: I can’t take any more. 

And so, the wool has been lifted and Santa has been revealed to my poor husband. That doesn’t mean we don’t still watch it. Christina gives the best side eye EVER.