I don’t know if any of you have seen this but I’ve been cackling all week.
First, I love Retta. She’s amazing and I want to be her best friend but not in a weird way. She’s hilarious. I need a show that is completely Retta going around and viewing bat shit crazy houses. I could care less about the reno but watching her react as any of us would react to some of these houses, is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a while.
Second, I love home disasters and the length of time it took them to figure out that the glitter house (yep, you read that right. . .glitter) was a former brothel was too long and amazing to watch. My concern is the speed at which I understood what that house was used for. . . because it was really quickly, like before the identified cameras in every room.
Third, the Northeast semifinal round did not bring the ugly like the prior two rounds. I KNOW the north east has way more ugly houses than that. Where were you?
Fourth, the west division was ugly but not that bad. Thank you jungle house for living up to my expectations of what kind of ridiculous shit people will put in their houses. Also, dated doesn’t mean ugly. It just means dated. Carpet around the base of a kitchen island . . . that’s something else entirely.
I need people to stop buying things that are not meant for housing and living in them like they’re houses. Do no buy a full-fledged funeral home and think you can convert it. Don’t buy a day care and think it’ll be easy to renovate, because it won’t. If you bought, what used to be a bank, because of the driveway, that just makes you dumb. Don’t buy a house that used to be a barn and then be surprised when it’s a hundred degrees in there, the structure was never built for house HVAC properly.
The prize for this show is $150K renovation by Alison Victoria. You may know her from Windy City Rehab. She’s the scary one who likes to paint a lot of things black for dramatic effect. The point here is, that $150K isn’t going to change the structure of your house. If you bought a house shaped like a pyramid and has windows that look like its grinning at you from the street, no amount of money is going to fix that. You’re still going to have weird ass angles in your house and tiny windows. If you bought a house made of cinderblocks and corrugated metal and no insulation, that isn’t going to change. Knock that shit down and start again. That’s your only option.
So, what have we learned?
- That people buy houses for stupid reasons – like the driveway…
- That HGTV has made everyone think they can rehab an entire house and it’ll be just fine. Here’s a hint- it won’t. You don’t know what you’re doing.
- People will still overpay for stupid houses. If you think half a million dollars is a low ball offer for a house that has a Poseidon Fountain out front, your idea and my idea of low ball are VERY different.
- Never buy a house at a sheriff’s sale. That’s how you end up with a glitter encrusted former brothel
- If you’re in a relationship and you buy a house without your partner’s consent or input, you should expect divorce papers and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
- $150K isn’t going to be enough to fix some of these houses