Tag Archives: Florida

Florida Headlines

My student keeps talking about how he wants to move to Florida after he graduates. Mostly because it’s warm an and he hates the cold. I don’t think Florida is the answer with, you know, bugs the size of small dogs…alligators camping out in your backyard…random meth heads rampaging like its the purge out there…and a hurricane every three to four years threatening to wipe the whole place out but never really succeeding.

When we were discussing his transition from student to full-grown adult {small tear – my baby is growing up. Sike, not my kid but, honestly, the snark is strong with him. He could’ve been. He’s volunteered to take care of me when I’m old, so I’ve got that going for me}, he made me google “Florida headlines”. That’s it. You have to click the images tab, cause that’s the best part. This was the most entertaining waste of twenty minutes, I’ve ever had in my life.

Let us begin…

Florida man has sex with pit bull in his yard as neighbors beg him to stop”                   David Edwards

Where to even begin? How many neighbors were there? How hard did they try and make him stop? Why are you doing that shit in your front yard where the whole word can watch? Also, what was it about the pit bull that really just had your juices flowing? Okay, that’s a bad turn of phrase. Also, if you look at the picture of this guy, NO ONE SHOULD BE SURPRISED.

Florida Man Arrested for Calling 911 After His Kitten Was Denied Entry Into a Strip Club Complex Mag

I thought you went to a strip club to stroke a pussy, maybe I’m wrong about that one.

Florida Man On Drugs Kills Imaginary Friend & Turns Himself In

I get it. Killing your imaginary friend is traumatic. I mean, the remorse, the guilt, knowledge that you betrayed your best friend. Maybe you had a complicated past and couldn’t trust your imaginary friend any more, but still, murder of a figment of your imagination is a step too far. I commend him for doing the right thing and turning himself in for his imaginary crime.

Florida woman blames cocaine in purse on windy day Local10.com

um, how windy does it have to be to blow a bag of cocaine into your bag. Also, what? OMG! Officer. I don’t know how this kilo of cocaine ended up in my handbag. It was really really windy today and maybe it blew in there when I wasn’t looking. WHAT? Okay, I don’t know if it was a kilo or not but that sounds so much funnier than just a dusting.

Deputies: Florida man high on flakka tries to break into jail ‘to visit friends‘” WPBF.com

No joke, dude. You’re doing this wrong. You’re not supposed to break INTO jail. Also, what the hell if flakka? There’s a rabbit hole I really don’t want to go down but probably will anyhow.

Tampa police say woman tried to buy her 80-year-old father a prostitute over Easter weekend Don Germaise

All I can say is, that was very nice of her to think about her father’s needs like that. Gross, but Ahhhhh.

Florida Man in ‘No, Seriously, I Have Drugs’ t-shirt arrested for possession of drugs” 

I don’t think this needs comment.

Florida man dies in meth-lab explosion after lighting farts on fire

I think we’re going to end with that one because what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? Nothing good, that’s for sure.

Countdown to Disney!

I understand that I’m a 35 year old grown woman. But here’s the thing, I DON’T CARE! I love Disney and I’m not ashamed to say it. My husband, Ross, and I are planning a weekend trip to Disney World and I can’t wait. I’m buying a pair of ears for every damn park we go in and (Ross doesn’t know this yet but) I’m buying at least two Vinylmation figurines. That’s right, Disney’s got me, hook, line, and sinker.

Let’s start with the park. We’ve been to Disneyland, and I was at DisneyWorld when I was little (I don’t really remember it and that might be a sin – I haven’t found it in any scripture anywhere but I’m sure it must be there…right?). In 2010 and 2011, I went to Disneyland twice in a 12 month period and that’s saying something for a girl from Ohio. The time my husband and I went (yeah, that’s right! I went once without him), we spent the day at the magic kingdom and I ran around like a cracked-out six year old. See for yourself!


Ross, on the other hand, was like a 90 year old poop who didn’t know what fun was even when he was a kid. Exhibit A


In fairness to my husband, that was a $10 hamburger. Doesn’t matter though, he still tried like hell not to smile on the tea cups. Who does that? You have to smile on the tea cups! I think its a law.

He can’t fool me though, he’s excited. He bought me this as a Christmas present (both for me and so he can go into sucking-the-fun-out-of-everything poop):


He has our itinerary for each day planned out and this trip is four months away. He’s already dictated the paths through each section of each park and where we need to get fast-passes. This damned thing is 864 pages of craziness that my husband has taken on like it was gospel. Little does he know that his entire plan is going to be blown the hell up as I spend the first two hours of each day going from gift shop to gift shop. Ahahahahaahaha!

Next, I’m obsessed with Disney’s ridiculously ingenious idea, Vinylmation. I LOVE these things. I don’t think Disney needs anymore cult followers but I’ll do my bit by giving you the link. LOL!

I bought one, hoping it was Lucifer from Cinderella because here’s the thing, you don’t know which one you’re getting. So if you don’t get the one you want, you just keep buying them! Well, I got Lucifer and one of the cards from Alice in Wonderland. I had to buy two, it evened up my chances. You would’ve done the same! Don’t judge.


Anyway, I was too excited and Ross poo poo’d my purchase saying that it was a waste of money. I agreed and that was the end of it. A few months after that, I was headed to Polaris Shopping Center and there’s a disney store in the mall. I thought I could sneak in there, see what they had and get one…or two.

Turns out…No.

I parked and then decided I couldn’t deal with the mall. When I got home, I told Ross about how the idea of the mall and how the thought of going in made me a little anxious and how weird that was. So, a few weeks later, he went and bought me three. THREE!


He came home and in his very stern voice said, “This can’t become a thing!”

I said, “you’re right, honey” and didn’t argue.

Then, for my birthday, he bought me another one. Isn’t he cute?


Then for Christmas, he bought me another two.


So, for not becoming a “thing”, he’s kinda making it a “thing”. That’s why I love my husband! He knows the way to a girls heart.