Florida Headlines

My student keeps talking about how he wants to move to Florida after he graduates. Mostly because it’s warm an and he hates the cold. I don’t think Florida is the answer with, you know, bugs the size of small dogs…alligators camping out in your backyard…random meth heads rampaging like its the purge out there…and a hurricane every three to four years threatening to wipe the whole place out but never really succeeding.

When we were discussing his transition from student to full-grown adult {small tear – my baby is growing up. Sike, not my kid but, honestly, the snark is strong with him. He could’ve been. He’s volunteered to take care of me when I’m old, so I’ve got that going for me}, he made me google “Florida headlines”. That’s it. You have to click the images tab, cause that’s the best part. This was the most entertaining waste of twenty minutes, I’ve ever had in my life.

Let us begin…

Florida man has sex with pit bull in his yard as neighbors beg him to stop”                   David Edwards

Where to even begin? How many neighbors were there? How hard did they try and make him stop? Why are you doing that shit in your front yard where the whole word can watch? Also, what was it about the pit bull that really just had your juices flowing? Okay, that’s a bad turn of phrase. Also, if you look at the picture of this guy, NO ONE SHOULD BE SURPRISED.

Florida Man Arrested for Calling 911 After His Kitten Was Denied Entry Into a Strip Club Complex Mag

I thought you went to a strip club to stroke a pussy, maybe I’m wrong about that one.

Florida Man On Drugs Kills Imaginary Friend & Turns Himself In

I get it. Killing your imaginary friend is traumatic. I mean, the remorse, the guilt, knowledge that you betrayed your best friend. Maybe you had a complicated past and couldn’t trust your imaginary friend any more, but still, murder of a figment of your imagination is a step too far. I commend him for doing the right thing and turning himself in for his imaginary crime.

Florida woman blames cocaine in purse on windy day Local10.com

um, how windy does it have to be to blow a bag of cocaine into your bag. Also, what? OMG! Officer. I don’t know how this kilo of cocaine ended up in my handbag. It was really really windy today and maybe it blew in there when I wasn’t looking. WHAT? Okay, I don’t know if it was a kilo or not but that sounds so much funnier than just a dusting.

Deputies: Florida man high on flakka tries to break into jail ‘to visit friends‘” WPBF.com

No joke, dude. You’re doing this wrong. You’re not supposed to break INTO jail. Also, what the hell if flakka? There’s a rabbit hole I really don’t want to go down but probably will anyhow.

Tampa police say woman tried to buy her 80-year-old father a prostitute over Easter weekend Don Germaise

All I can say is, that was very nice of her to think about her father’s needs like that. Gross, but Ahhhhh.

Florida Man in ‘No, Seriously, I Have Drugs’ t-shirt arrested for possession of drugs” 

I don’t think this needs comment.

Florida man dies in meth-lab explosion after lighting farts on fire

I think we’re going to end with that one because what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? Nothing good, that’s for sure.

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