I’m going to come right out and say it. I read some weird shit. I range from non-fiction about serial killers to inspirational romance and everything in between. Don’t judge me! I have varying tastes and sometimes, I realize, that too much murder may make me callous. Not that I’m normally a real nurturing person but believe me, it can get worse.
Here’s the thing though, since my reading selection is so diverse, I come across some stuff that even to me seems out of place or too funny to be taken seriously.
I’m reading a book now where the heroine refers to herself as “a Tallahassee Lassie”. Um, what? Is that something that people say in real life? If so, you should stop that right now! Did you write that with a straight face? Did your editor read that and not cackle out loud? If so, how?
I recently read a non-fiction, published first in 1995, that referred to African Americans as “the blacks”. . . REPEATEDLY. Um, what century are you from? Not cool. Also, super racist.
I won’t even talk about the first page of 50 Shades of Gray because that’s as far as I got before I laughed my way to closing that book and moving on. I stumbled over how that narrator formed her inner thoughts and wondered, who actually talks like that, especially in their own head. “I must not sleep with it wet” Who says that as part of their internal monologue. Okay, when taken out of context, that’s kinda funny.
I read a series of books that the hero gave the heroine a nickname which was “nighty girl” because she was wearing a nightgown when they first met. That, in and of itself poses problems. However, after a while you’d think you would get used to it, but no. It, got weirder and weirder the longer it went on and a bit uncomfortable. Seriously, say that out loud and see if you don’t cringe. Its not cute. Its definitely not sexy. If anything, it seems a bit smarmy and stalkerish. Just saying.
I’m just going to throw this up here to cleanse our paletes of the icky misogyny.
I think we also need to discuss Edward the sparkling vampire. Because why is that a choice you ever make?
Why would you ever do this? If a vampire is going to sparkle, it better be a fucking unicorn vampire. And you know why that shit sounds dumb, but sparkles and vampires should never be in the same description.
What’s the takeaway? Read your shit out loud before you hit submit. I know I’ll be doing that from now on.
I’m working! I promise but it’s taking me much longer than expected. To keep everyone motivated, here’s a snippet. It’s unedited so keep your comments to yourself. Unless you want to tell me how awesome it is. Then, by all means, comment away!
Taking a regret-filled step back, I glared at Wynne around Ev’s solid form. “Fine!” I snapped at her, genuinely angry that she’d disturbed my very magical moment with Ev. “I’ll put the amulet back in the drawer.”
“You will do no such thing!” she pronounced vehemently. “This is the most excitement I’ve had in quite some time.”
“After your body snatching request, I’m not taking the chance that you might sneak in and try to take over,” I said, honestly.
“I wouldn’t!” she sounded almost appalled but I knew her better than that.
“You would,” Ev snarled. Apparently, Ev knew her better than that too.
“Ah, wolf,” Wynne cooed, “we were getting along so well.”
“Were we?” he asked.
As the conversation ping ponged back and forth, more noise echoed up from downstairs. It sounded like an army down there. Ev probably heard everything that was going on but I couldn’t and a wash of guilt made me nervous. I’d asked these people to leave their home and come talk to me and now I was making them wait. If I didn’t hurry this argument along, Ev and Wynne would be at it forever and then we’d miss our chance.
“They’re waiting downstairs and it sounds like an army. We don’t have time for this,” I said, anxiety making my words clipped. Ev nodded his agreement, took my hand in his and guided me toward the door.
“I cannot help you if I don’t know,” Wynne added absently and as I glanced over at her in the mirror, she was peering down at her nails as if she hadn’t a care in the world. Which, of course, she did. She must want to hear all of it very badly to play such and obvious ploy. Wynne was much more manipulative than this, I’d seen it first-hand.
I glanced at Ev and met his disapproving glare and tight shoulders. I didn’t have to say anything or plead, all I did was shrug. Afterall, she was right. She might hear something that we’d miss in the retelling. It was better-nope, scratch that-more prudent to have her there. Nothing was better with Wynne in the mix. With a sigh of resignation, he nodded once and picked up the amulet. “Behave,” he growled at Wynne before shoving it into his pocket. He held out his hand to me and waited until I clasped my hand in his and a bit of my stomach fluttered at the newness of the touch and the surety in it. Together we strode down the stairs .
I can’t talk about RWA anymore. It’s depressing on so many levels. The racism. The powerplays. The ineptitude. The underhandedness. The backstabbing. The bigotry. All of the things. If you need a refresher, just look up #RWAshitshow on twitter and take a gander.
Instead, I’m shifting my bigotry discussion from RWA to Megxit.
What the actual fuck?
Seriously. Let these poor people be. They just want to live their own damned lives away from your racist bullshit. Let me also just throw this out there, If Megan is like, “I want to high-tail my ass back to the Americas because their racism is not so bad compared to the UK”, what does that say about you? Cause the racism is real here.
The reality is that Harry is sixth in line from the throne! He’s not third anymore. The demand on him to represent the throne is not as high and you don’t need him for good press anymore. I get that you’re currently dealing with this Andrew/Jerry Epstein shit-but Harry and Megan aren’t your answer/deflection. Reality check, deal with your shit and deal with Andrew.
Harry has already been traumatized him with his mother’s death. I remember that poor kid parading through London behind his mother’s casket looking lost and devastated and the press ate-that-shit-up. He thinks the Paparazzi killed his mother and, let’s be honest here, they did. So, now the media is focused on his wife. They are saying AWFUL, unfounded, and racist things about her and he’s like, “Nope. I’m out.”
I get it though. Harry is Diana’s son and there’s some proprietary nonsense associated with him. As she was the people’s princess, he is the people’s prince. Here’s the reality though. he served his time. Let him go. Also, you don’t own him.
Also, he’s trying to be financially independent from the Crown.
He’s going to NOT take tax payer money. Every time you complain about how much the monarchy costs you and then bitch about Megxit, you are a hypocrite.
I’m starting a new hastag, #FreeHarry&Megan feel free to use it anywhere you wish.
Well, I was on vacation since the week of Christmas and I was supposed to get so much done. Um, I did not. I barely left the house and ate my way through just about everything we had. I can feel the weight gain as I type. But, here’s a recap of what did happen. I’m warning you now, this is going to be a long one.
Ugh, it’s been rough to live in Columbus this past week. First, OSU lost to Clemson which probably most of you know. I didn’t watch it because I just…can’t. I am an anxious and angry fan. Then OSU basketball lost to WVU the next day. Then CBJ lost and the goalie got hurt because of stupidity. So there’s that.
I binge watched The Witcher on Netflix. It took me three or four episodes to decide if I actually liked it and finally decided on yes. I did have to watch it with the closed caption on so I could understand what they were saying and they were speaking English. Whoever was responsible for the sound mixing on this show sucks. However, it did make for some great reading. There were some “Hmm’s” from Henry Cavill, quite a few “sigh”s every time someone took a breath. I kept yelling at the screen, “that was a snort you idiots!”. Then there was the “whooshing”. I shit you not. Every time the wind blew, the cc marked it as “whooshing”. It was amazing. On top of all of that, I keep humming that stupid song in my head.
You’re welcome! #sorrynotsorry
Now, the timeline is screwy but once you figure it out, it makes total sense. The sword work was quality and Henry Cavill did all his own stunts. I read an article about how big a fantasy nerd he is and quite frankly, it makes me adore him all the more. There are a couple of points that need to be addressed. Gerald of Rivia and the Bard Jaskier are the Bromance I didn’t know I needed in my life and Yennefer is a BADASS. I love her. If you haven’t seen the trailer, here you go.
3. I followed my binge watching with something a bit more low key and WAAAAAAY more soapy. Welcome to Virgin River.
OMG, this had every cliche plot twist you could imagine.
Dead husband and child…got it.
Woman running from her past to a small town to forget…got it.
PTSD Irag Vet leading man…got it.
Battered woman hiding her and her kid from an abusive husband…got it.
The woman the hero didn’t actually love is now pregnant right when he’s finally discovering love…got it.
Oh, and did I mention the heroine can’t have kids…got it.
The only thing we’re missing here is amnesia. I expect season two will not disappoint on that front. And yes, I will be watching it.
The best part of all of this was that Ross was around while a few of the early episodes were on and he was CRINGING and talking about how bad it was. I got a couple of “really?”s out of him which just made it more fun for me to watch it. Bahahahaha! I love torturing him. It brings me joy.
4. Ross and I went to see StarWars: Rise of Skywalker. It was – meh. There was a point, and I realize this is stupid but I’ve been watching Luke try to lift that fucking X-wing out of the Dagoba swamp for like my entire damned life so when he finally lifted it out of the sea for Rey, I was so fucking proud. That was the highlight of the movie for me. There were parts that were very heavy handed but then I remembered that when I was a kid, we get the “certain point of view” lecture and I remember thinking (when I was six or seven back in the now distant 1980’s) how profound that was.
5. I got pod cast equipment for Christmas which is exciting. This means that I can record my own work for audiobooks because I’m too poor to hire a professional. To all my friends that said they couldn’t read my books because they heard my voice in their heads…this won’t help you.
6. Last by certainly not least the shit show that is RWA. No, i’m not joking. #RWAshitshow was actually trending along side #Istandwithcourtney
This shit has now been covered by the NYTimes, Washington Post, The Guardian, as well as several other national media outlets. Feel free to review any or all of these articles. There’s a pretty good recap on twitter by Cate Eland (or see below).
The worst thing is, this keeps getting worse. With each new release that RWA puts out, they just keep digging themselves a deeper hole. The reality is that I wasn’t going to renew my membership in August with RWA or my local chapters this month for my own reasons. I’ve often felt marginalized because of the genre I write and I never really fit in. I’ve discussed that here before so I won’t rehash. I’m not surprised that those people, particularly women and men of color, were also marginalized. RWA focuses too much on a mold of romance and if you don’t fit in that mold, they don’t want you.
I’ve been reading my digests pretty much everyday and following this shit show on twitter. Honestly, I’m disappointed in some people and incredibly proud of others but that’s to be expected.
Since it’s almost time for all the holiday hoopla, I thought I’d give you a little snippet of what I’m working on right now, Residual Magic. I wish I could say that it was because I was being nice but you know better than that. Its because I’m tired from all the baking, shopping, wrapping, and cleaning. I’ve got nothing else to share. So, with no further ado, here’s your snippet:
This is an unedited excerpt. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
“What two cents? I have no money,” Wynne replied, confused and a part of me smiled to myself. Having been stuck in a vast wasteland of desert and mirrors the succubus-witch had dubbed the in-between for more than a millennium, sometimes Wynne’s understanding of colloquialisms wasn’t up to scratch. “Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that you are young and stupid. How many times have you cried over that boy? Too many to count by my opinion.” She huffed at me as if I was wasting her time. All she had was time. Plus, I was pretty sure she secretly loved it. I’d come to understand that Wynne liked to be needed. Who didn’t though? That was the point, wasn’t it? I wanted to be wanted and needed and it didn’t seem like Ev wanted or needed me that badly. A thought suddenly occurred to me. Maybe Tag did.
“Well, you’ll be glad to know that I have a date tonight,” I said, my chin high. When she stared at me, the words clearly not registering in her mind I added, “I’m going to be spending time with someone tonight . . . a man.”
“The boy finally became a man,” she grumbled and this time I wasn’t so sure she’d intended for me to hear her.
“Ev?” I asked, confused but continued on, “No, Tag. I’m going to dinner with Tag.”
“The soul stealer?” she asked and I could hear the surprise and disgust in her voice. I could almost see her bright blue eyes the size of saucers in astonishment.
“Wynne,” I sighed. “Red heads don’t steal souls. They just don’t. But you know who does?” I asked and she was quiet for a moment, waiting. “Succubi. Succubi steal souls and that’s you.” When she didn’t respond – because I had her on that one – I said, “Tag is a nice guy. He’s steady. And he wants me.”
“Ahh,” she responded in a way that made my blood boil, as if she saw everything and I clearly saw nothing.
“Ahh? What does ahhh mean?” I hissed, angry now. It felt good to be angry and show it. Turns out, I’d been angry for a while.
“Nothing,” she clipped, pleased with herself. “Just . . . ahh. Have fun on your . . . date,” she said with a snide lilt. And in the blink of an eye, she was gone, retreating back into her amulet to let me stew. I hated when she did that. She put just enough doubt in my head to make me second guess everything. Wynne was just mean.
“I will!” I snapped at her, knowing full well she wasn’t listening. I plopped down on my bed and sighed. I would have a good time with Tag. I always had a good time with Tag. We were friends and I wouldn’t let Wynne’s nagging doubts cast a shadow on our date. This wouldn’t be weird at all.
This is not a drill! December is here and the countdown to Christmas has begun. Here are some things that I absolutely love in case you still need gift ideas for that special someone. Or, you know, me!
I don’t know if you can get this stuff in your local grocery story or not. I can and I love it. It smells amazing and is rich and delicious. This thing is butterscotch/rum flavored. Hello, I’m like an 80-year-old woman. I love butterscotch. Also, i wasn’t aware that they had a Cinnamon Hazelnut flavor. I might have to special order a few bags of that for myself.
So, that’s it for this installment. Very coffee heavy but then again, it is the morning and I need my coffee.
I didn’t post anything last week. The only excuse I have is that I had nothing to say and I was struggling with my nanowrimo stats. I’m still struggling with that. My numbers so far don’t look that great. Here’s a look at what my progress has been:
Nov 1, 1530 words – a good solid start
Nov 6, 74 words – a slight blip in the month
Nov 11, 2296 words – look at this day! I was excited and on track.
Nov 12, 1039 words – okay, not bad but not as great as yesterday.
Nov 13, 193 words – nope.
Nov 14, 1546 words – getting there
Nov 16, 310 words – what was I doing?
Nov 18, 88 words – distracted by Facebook. Damn you Facebook!
Nov 19, 148 words – Bahahahaha, i’m not writing today
Nov 21, 935 words – wait, was this really only 935 words? It felt like so much more.
As you can see, my totals don’t amount to much and quite frankly, looking at the statistics and some of the graphics, I feel judged. This thing says I need to produce 3343 words in one day just to get back on track. Then I would have to produce 1700 words per day to meet the goal. I’m going to tell you this right now…on my best day, 3000 words is pushing it. And yes that tab is to tell me how to take a screen shot because I forgot and I’m old. Stop judging me. I’m getting enough of that from the website below.
As you can see from the below graph, I am FAR below the necessary word counts to be on track for 50,000 words by the end of November. I mean, shit, I’m not even close. The light blue line is where I should be. The dark blue line is me. The line’s color is gloomy, much like my mood.
This is the one where I really feel like the dashboard is judging me.
What the hell nanowrimo? March 8th? Really?
Can I count this blog as part of my word count total? There’s gotta be at least a hundred words here. That should count…right.
Where are my fellow writers out there? Where are you guys at? Make me feel better.
This month is Nanowrimo. For those of you who have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, don’t worry, you’re not alone. There are a lot of people that have never heard of this.
Nanowrimo stands for National Novel Writing Month. There is a website that engages the writing community to write 50,000 words in a single month: nanowrimo.org. This is supposed to be a way to give a writer a swift kick in the ass and get you back into gear. Ultimately, getting words on the page.
A lot of people think they have to be pretty words. Incorrect! They just have to be words that make sense. You can always go back and make them pretty. Fixing and editing, at least for me, is way easier than staring at a blank page.
Almost every year, I sit down and log in. I set my project – which for me has been four different books between 2011-2019. You can see by the number of projects as compared to the number of years how successful I’ve been.
The first, I finished but it wasn’t very good. So, there it sits in my dropbox, waiting for me to revisit and rework.
The second, was never finished. Again, still waiting on me to finish.
The third was Hereditary Magic. I FINISHED IT. And, like 10 of you read it, so there’s that.
The fourth is Residual Magic…here’s hoping. I’ll be honest though, I’m already behind in writing this one and nanowrimo was my plan to get back on track. For the first few days, usually, I’m good. Then life and work gets in the way. This year was no exception. Listen, I’m fucking busy.
Here are my stats from nanowrimos of years past:
2011 – 50,116/50,000 – Yay! This is me winning nanowrimo
2012 – Sike, I didn’t participate
2013 – 18,864/50,000 – EPIC FAIL!
2014 – Bahahaha!
2015 – Scarlett was like 6 months old. Nothing got done other than working, feeding, and sleeping. NOTHING. AT. ALL.
2016 – okay, this is it. This is the year I’m back to writing 3 books a year. 4,230/50,000 Okay, not so much.
2017 – 11,229/50,000 – I’m starting to see a pattern. However, this one was actually Hereditary Magic. I did eventually finish it and publish it, just not in this time frame.
2018 – Bahahahaaha again. Actually, I think I forgot.
2019 – Here we go. I’m off to a bangin’ start… 1,604/50,000 in SEVEN DAYS.
I should be putting words down on the page right now. Instead, I’m writing this blog because in seminar after seminar, they keep telling us that consistency and content are important to readers. Can I count these words toward nanowrimo? That would be cheating…I guess.
So, this is my list of movies that I can’t turn off. They may be good and they may be bad (let’s be honest, some of these are really REALLY bad) but I can’t seem to turn off these movies if I come across them in the guide. Ross understands that he shouldn’t stop on any of these if he doesn’t want to watch them, because I’m going to be in til the end.
How in God’s name does this have a score of 72%? I have no idea how these scores work but even I can say that 72% is WAY too high. Winona Ryder is horrible and over acted every scene. Honestly, I’m not sure how Gary Oldman kept his shit together everyday. Keanu Reeves is horrible. His accent is just ridiculous. The only good person in this is Gary Oldman. I just love Gary Oldman. I could have a list of movies that I love and he’s the best part, (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy; All the Christian Bale Batman’s; Harry Potter; The Fifth Element)
10. V for Vendetta, 2006 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 72%)
This movies gets a pretty okay score on Rotten Tomatoes and I’m not entirely sure what that means but the dystopian London, the vigilate in a mask, and the creepy twist on the phantom of the opera just do it for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate Phantom of the Opera, but the Guy Fawkes mask is awesomely demented.
The bit of this that makes it borderline bad for me is Natalie Portman’s accent. Come on. It’s horrible. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as horrible as Denise Richards attempting to speak Russian in The World is Not Enough bad, but it’s hard to listen to and really brings the creepy vibes down a notch or two.
9. Red, 2010 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 71%
Okay, so seriously, I’m listing both Red and Red 2 in this category. This has John Malkovich as a bat-shit-crazy ex-CIA operative and Helen Mirren as former MI6 who specialized in wet works, do I need to say more. Bruce Willis is kind of a throwaway in these movies, but it’s fine.
8. Bring it on, 2000 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 63%)
Eliza Dushku as a peppy cheerleader! Done.
No but really. Technically, yes the Clovers had a better routine at the end but the Toros were cleaner and more put together.
7. Sin City, 2005 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 77%)
Elijah Wood creeps me out and I love it!
Although the story line with Jessica Alba and Bruce Willis is disgusting and creepy in a whole different way. Dude, don’t lust after the child you saved from a molesting, murdering fuckhead. I don’t care if she is not 18 and you’re 65. Nope. Just nope. Not cool.
6. Road House, 1989 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 38%)
How doesn’t everyone love this movie. There are some great ridiculous scenes in this movie:
Patrick Swayze practicing Tae Kwon Do in only gi pants along the river for no particular reason.
Sam Elliot – just Sam Elliott. There’s no way that man was winning any fight! He was a hundred years old and clearly broken.
The stuffed polar bear falling on the big fat guy (Tiny) and pinning him.
Plus, the acting was soooooo bad from people who should have known better.
5. Teen Witch, 1989 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 38%)
For some reason, they decided to have a few musical numbers in this coming of age, paranormal movie. I’ve included the most ridiculous one for your viewing enjoyment.
Also, the medium from Poltergeist is in this movie as a witch and all I can think of every time she’s on screen is, “this house is clean” when so clearly, it’s not.
This movie is campy and typical 80’s teenage trash and I love it.
4. Red Dawn, 1984 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 46%)
Another reel of Patrick Swayze awesomeness. This movie has all your 1980’s favorites: Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Charlie Sheen, Harry Dean Stanton, Powers Booth, and they all voluntarily signed up for this. I’m always surprised that his movie has a running time of 1 hour and 54 minutes, it always feels so much longer.
3. Bad Boys, 2003 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 22%)
I love this movie. It’s horrible. It looks like Miami Vice and Silk Stalkings had a baby and produced this cluster of a visual. The neon EVERYWHERE is incredible. What police department looks like this? They basically took every police captain trope and said, fuck it-let’s get it in there. Tea Leoni is bad. I’m not sure why anyone hires her. She was basically the Kristen Stewart of the early 2000’s. I guess in every generation, there is one. Will Smith doesn’t age. At. All.
There’s going to be a Bad Boys 3 and I’m not ashamed to say that i’m excited to see it. Look at this trailer! It looks ridiculous. Martin Lawrence is fat and doughy, and Will Smith hasn’t aged. I’m all for this.
Look at those clowns! Here is the plot synopsis from IMDB: When a small town is invaded by aliens from outer space who are capturing and killing the townspeople, no one takes them seriously. Why? The aliens all look like circus clowns, use weapons that look clown like, and all have painted on smiles. Only a few of the young people in the town realize the danger and of course no one believes them. Armed with an ice cream truck they try and rescue their friends.
These clowns capture people in cotton candy and then drink their blood through giant crazy straws. Their space ship is a giant circus tent. How could you not want to watch this? No really? How? I own this movie.
Old School, 2003 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 60%)
This movie also has some problems with older men and a much younger girl. So there’s that. However, Ross and I still quote Frank the Tank at least once a month. Some of our favorites include:
You’re my boy Blue
I’ll just do one
Still holding. Still holding.
Honestly, some of the best stuff is in the commentary on the bonus features, the stuff you’ll never see or hear unless you own it. Plus, the pep rally and Vince Vaughn really giving that dance his all while Luke Wilson half-asses it is entertaining to watch.
Those are some of my guilty pleasures. What are yours?
Okay, so I realize I’m not Oprah and I’m not giving these things out to anyone (except myself). However, I also have favorite things and I thought you’d like to know about them. This is a public service announcement for everyone. AND since the holiday season is almost upon us, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite things. In case, you know, someone wants to buy me something…just saying. #Ilovepresents #ultagiftcards
These things are AMAZING! Seriously, how have I never heard of these things before. I just wish they were bigger so that I could cover my entire face in this patch like a mask and in the morning have a completely new face. I’m not joking. Slap one of these things on a pimple before you go to bed and in the morning if it isn’t gone, it’s greatly reduced. I hear they even have patches thin enough to wear under your makeup. I don’t wear make up so but now I’m wondering if anyone would notice. You seriously can’t really see these things once they’re on.
So this is my first pair of Toms. I know. I know. How is that even possible? I have a lot of shoes, mostly heels, and I usually don’t buy casual shoes for myself. I just don’t. Anyhoo, I bought these. Mostly because of the reason stated above. I had no casual shoes. And two, they’re Star Wars. I think Ross was a bit jealous. Nope, I know he was. He has to wear a particular kind of shoe for his planter fasciitis, so no fun Star Wars shoes for him.
So, there you have it. This week’s edition of Suzanne’s Favorite Things.