I should be writing…I know this. I feel the pressure to produce deep in my middle as a constant feeling that there’s something I’m not doing. YOu know that feeling that you’ve left the house and left the oven on or your flat iron on??? Yeah? That’s pretty much how I feel. ALL. THE. TIME.
Should I feel like this? Probably not because there are maybe 12 people waiting for me to finish this book – which to be fair guys, is going to be a while considering I have only 1400 words and no inclination to write. Its not that I just don’t want to write this book. It’s that I can’t get my brain in the right space. I haven’t been able to shave out the time to dedicate to this.
There are a lot of reasons I could give you that would sound like excuses. And they are. 1. I’m running around for Scarlett’s lessons. 2. I have all kinds of things to do around the house. 3. After I get home from work each, my brain is dead. 4. I’m just not that into it.
I don’t know how to get over this hump. This feeling has truly never happened to me. I’m the person who sees a task and just takes care of it. Just does it. I can’t seem to get my ass in gear and start writing.
How do you fix this feeling? How do I tackle this ambivilance that’s currently lingering over me like a dark cloud? Because this pressure of leaving the over on won’t seem to go away.
Do I just need to pull my head out of my ass and do it?
I am a contradiction. I work so far ahead in some instances that I have things done months in advance. At other times, I really need a date/deadline to make me do anything. This is one of those times.
I’m writing. Slowly. So slowly, that it hurts. It is actually painful. I did WORK instead of opening up the word doc to start writing. And that’s saying something. Like right now, I’m going to run to the Post Office instead. Hey, those signed copies of Emerald Fire have to get out. Right?
Every day, I think, today is the day I’m setting aside time to do this! Which happens…rarely. I’ve been working on the same three projects for more than a year now and that’s not like me. I used to churn out something (whether it be good or bad) every couple of months. Now, finishing a scene or a chapter is HARD.
I could blame it on a lot of things.
- The toddler. She requires a lot of attention. Yes, this is absolutely true. However, she goes to bed at 8pm. I could work on stuff then. But, I don’t.
- I could use my down time better. Instead of checking facebook (which is depressing these days anyway), I could be writing or sketching out scenes. But, I’m not.
- I could just demand that Ross watch her on the weekends and get a little time to myself. I haven’t done that either.
Part of the issue is that I need a big chunk of time. Not only to write, but to get my head in the right space. I write some graphic and horrible shit. I can’t just do some laundry, read an Elmo book to Scarlett, and then write about ripping out someone’s small intestines and mounting them to the wall like a piece of art. Actually, that’s a pretty good visual. I’ll have to write that down. #Ideasforlater.
All of these are excuses. I’m well aware of that fact. I’m just having a hard time getting back into the swing of balancing my life with the extra responsibilities. It’s been almost two years. You’d think that would’ve been long enough to figure it out. Not so much.