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The Long Night

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This is the final season of Game of Thrones and I’m sad to see one of my favorite shows end but it’s going out with a bang. I can always depend on GoT not to disappoint.

Caution: there are SPOILERS ahead!!!!

First and foremost, let’s get this out in the open…

Arya! Fucking! Stark!

She has been my favorite since the beginning. The fact that she killed the Night King and NOT Jon Snow was the crowning achievement of my GoT existence. That bitch is fierce and I want to be her when I grow up. Enough said!

If you haven’t seen it…here you go

Now that the shameless gushing over Arya Stark is done, we can move on to other GoT topics.

Bran

Okay, what is with the thousand-yard-stare all the time? What is he doing? What is the point of you??? Just because you’re the three-eyed raven doesn’t mean you lose all emotion. It’s just weird. There was all this build-up about the majestic three-eyed raven and his/her importance but you have accomplished absolutely nothing, served no purpose, and have been a waste of a story line. This grand connection to the Night King equated to nothing! Yes, he came after you but he was going to come to Winterfell anyway to kill everyone. You were unnecessary.

On to the tactics of the battle

They. Sucked. What the Actual Fuck are you doing? Lining up all your people to die knowing that you were outnumbered by THE DEAD was incredibly stupid. You wasted the Dothraki and the Unsullied! Now, what are you going to fight Cersei with? A bunch of untrained and lazy white guys from the North Houses? Ummm, nope.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that you sent all the brown people out to die first…cause I did.

Everyone was complaining about how actually dark the episode was, but it was night. The night is going to be dark. That’s kinda how that works. Regardless of that critique, the cinematography in this episode was beautiful. The Dothrakis’ lighted swords riding into the darkness, was incredible.

Since we’re talking tactics, let’s talk about the tactical advantage of a cavalry charge. The main objective is to frighten your opponent into retreating and cut them down from above as they flee. However, if your opponent is 1) dead, 2) has a hive mind mentality, and 3) fear NOTHING, this strategy doesn’t work. You waste horses and men in the slaughter…because zombies.

All the feels

I was on edge this entire episode. Nervous energy shivered through me for 90 fucking minutes. I almost cried when Tyrion kissed Sansa’s hand before both decided to sacrifice themselves into battle – going out to fight the dead waking in the crypt. Please tell me why Sansa Stark is such a bad ass this season…I love it! I kinda wish she’d been this bad ass all eight seasons. The dynamic between these too is amazing, both touching and hilarious.

I could give two shits about Jorah Mormont’s death but Lady Mormont – that tiny badass – killed a fucking giant and it was amazing. That one, I mourned.

Plot Holes

Where the FUCK did Melisandre come from??? Just riding up through the army of the dead, a single rider through the north mysteriously appears to help Winterfell. Where the hell have you been? WHAT?

I can’t wait to see what comes next. Sunday night is my favorite night of the week! LOL

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The Rock

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Okay, so we all know that Tom Hanks is a fine actor and that Denzel is . . . well . . . Denzel. But, I’m going to make a bold statement here – and stick with me on this one – I think that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson may be the greatest actor of our time.

I know. I know. You’re probably screaming at the screen right now. But Suzanne, how can you be serious? We’re talking about “THE ROCK”! I get it. I really do. And it would be a justified question. However, I’d like to make a case for my assertion.

His body of work doesn’t necessarily preclude one to think “wow, that guy’s a great actor”. He’s not doing period dramas or World War II epics. He’s doing comedies and as anyone who has tried to do comedy and failed . . . comedy is hard.

This clip from Jumanji is a great example. He’s supposed to be playing a skinny white kid embodied in the “superman” form.

Actually, Jack Black was also amazing in this movie, playing a teenage girl.

Dwayne Johnson also has musical talent. Does anyone really need reminded of Moana? Oh wait, clearly you do. Good luck getting this one out of your head.

Honestly, I think Moana might be my favorite Disney movie. The message is great for little girls, the music is incredible (thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda), and it’s completely underrated.

So, comedy and muscial talent isn’t your thing. If it’s a swing toward the dramatic that may sway you, let’s look at Ballers on HBO first.

I’m going to be honest. I’ve never actually seen this show. I wanted to and that should count for something. Shouldn’t it? I just don’t have time to watch. . . ANYTHING. I have to put Outlander and Game of Thrones on my Calendar for Christ’s sakes. You should see my Netflix list. Jessica Jones has been on it for a hot minute. Shit, I’ve had things in the DVR for years. I’ve gone off the rails. My point is that I’ve wanted to watch it from the start but haven’t found the time. Mostly, because of The Rock.

I think my favorite, by far, is Be Cool. This was a crap movie and should not have been made in the first place but there were a couple of standouts. 1. Andre 3000 (aka Andre Benjamin) as Dabu and 2. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. These two are the only reason I ever watch this movie. And I’m sorry to say that I’ve seen it more than once. Actually, I’m pretty ashamed to admit that, especially in writing because John Travolta is HORRIBLE!

I’ve managed to convince Ross of my argument about Dwayne Johnson. Just think about it for a minute. Are you convinced?

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The Young Pope???

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I’ve been watching The Young Pope on HBO.

I’m confused…about so many things.

  1. I’m confused about if I even like this show. I’ve watched four episodes and I can’t decipher if I even like it or not. There don’t seem to be any redeeming characters and even in my fever induced haze yesterday, I caught myself thinking, why am I watching this?
  2. I’m confused about why Jude Law is such a dick. Yes, you were abandoned to an orphanage but DUDE, you’re the frickin’ POPE! Get over yourself. Also, how does  no one understand that he’s a dick. He flat out tells you and you just think he’s kidding. Nope, he’s really a dick. Like I said, when someone tells you who they really are, you should believe them.
  3. Also, the Vatican is boring. I get it, this whole thing is a Machiavellian intrigue but it’s boring.
  4. The guy playing Cardinal Voiello has this gigantic mole on his face and I feel like Austin Powers because that’s all I can see. I would add a gif here but I can’t figure out how to do it. ARGH!

I don’t have time for all this but I set the series to record so I know I’ll still watch it when it shows up in the DVR. #SlavetoDVR

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Too Old for the Golden Globes…

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It’s awards season again.

I used to say: IT’S AWARD’S SEASON!

That was back before I had a stressful job, a house that needed cleaned, and a toddler running amuck every waking moment. Now, when I watch the award shows, I have no idea what any of the movies are and probably never will. I’ve been to the movies exactly twice in the last six months (which was a Herculean feat in and of itself), and that was to see one of the Marvel movies (can’t remember which) and Rogue One.

If the movie doesn’t make it to HBO or Showtime, I’m not seeing it. Especially if it’s rated R, I’m definitely not seeing those movies. I have a limited window on the weekends. Basically, a possible two hour break when Scarlett naps. This isn’t long enough to watch anything! It’s barely enough to get a complete load of laundry done.

So, last night I sat and watched the Golden Globes. I’m not exactly sure why. Mostly from a sense that I should, instead of a real desire to do so. It was clear from the start that I had no idea what any of the movies were. The television shows were basically the same thing. At least those, I’d heard of. The only one I could root for was Game of Thrones. I watch that religiously. If you don’t, you should. It’s AMAZING!!!

I also rooted for Caitriona Balfe from Outlander because I LOVE that show. I might be having an imaginary love affair with Jamie Fraser. Ross is completely aware of my obsession and is fine with it, by the way. Don’t judge. But the voters for these awards never give anything to paranormal/Sci-Fi/Fantasy shows, so I knew she wasn’t going to win. I also knew Game of Thrones wasn’t going to win, but I was hoping…

Not having a horse in the race really took all the fun out of watching it. By 10pm, I was just waiting for the Memorial segment (aka The Parade of Death). I’m not sure why I love this so much, but I do. Anyway, it got to be 10:45pm and it still hadn’t happened. I turned to Ross and asked, “Where’s the Parade of Death?”

When he said that he didn’t think the Golden Globes did that, I shouted, “What?!? You mean I could’ve been asleep an hour ago? For fuck’s sake!”

I promptly rolled over, took my glasses off, and turned off my light. This is what my life has become. Those of you who aren’t parents don’t understand. I’m not holding it against you, I’m simply pointing out a fact. Sleep is precious and becomes more so when there’s a toddler in the house. As a point of fact, after I went to sleep, this is what my night looked like:

My kid was up at 3am and wanted to crawl into bed with us. Over the three hours that she was in bed with us, I got head butted, kicked in the back, and slapped in the face. Not to mention the fact that my daughter is one of the loudest sleepers I’ve ever seen; snoring, whimpering, heavy breathing, and talking. She actually called out Mommy so clearly, I thought she was awake at 4:30am.

This is why I don’t have time for this shit anymore. Now, awards season comes and goes and most of the time, I don’t even notice. Sad, but I like sleep better.

I’m not complaining, not really. I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, but there was a time I knew all the pop culture references and who everyone was. Last night, Ross kept asking me who people were and I kept saying, “I have no idea.” I can’t tell the difference between Jessica Chastain and Bryce Dallas Howard. I secretly think they’re the same person. Can you tell the difference??? I sure as hell can’t.

The thing is…I used to care. Now, not so much. The pressure of being in the know is gone and quite frankly, I look at awards season now as an extended trailer. I get a much better look at the movies with which I might want to waste a precious two hour time span on a Saturday afternoon. I don’t feel bad about that at all.