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Extra mom

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I have come to the realization that I can’t ever have a birthday party for Scarlett where other kids are invited. This may sound like a strange statement but I’ve come to understand my limitations or – maybe the more appropriate categorization of what I suffer from is bat-shit-craziness.

As an example, we had to get valentines for her class. Sounds simple right? Just go to the store buy a box of valentines and you’re done. No. I bought packs of skittles and fruit snacks in addition packaged and wrapped 24 individual gift bags with tiny gifts, valentines, and temporary tattoos…because I am THAT mom. For her birthday, I ordered invitations and decorations for a party that is going to consist of 7 people (us and our parents…that’s it).

I once made a castle out of a cardboard box for fuck’s sake. There was no reason. There was a box. We made a special trip to target (the devil’s own store) to get the materials. This was just for shits and giggles…cause I didn’t have enough to do that day. That’s right. That thing had a fucking drawbridge.

Below was her second birthday party and there were only 10 people there – only family. I have a problem. I cut out all those mickey heads and strung them up. They were all over the house.

I imagine having a birthday party with all Scarlett’s friends playing in the overly elaborate party decorations while the mom’s huddle together in the corner with wide eyes as they realize that I am, in fact, a crazy person. Then this snowballs into Scarlett not being invited anywhere because her mother is a crazy person. Then she hates me because she doesn’t get invited anywhere and it becomes a thing.

You might suggest that I just curb my crazy. You would be right. That’s a wonderful idea and I wish it was that simple. It should be…but it isn’t. Here’s the thing though, even when I think I have curbed it, its still extra – the theme, the decorations, the presents, the cake, the gift bags. It’s all still over the top, just not as over the top as before. We’re talking shades of gray here. There’s a spectrum between normal mom and a weird Pintrest-obsessed mom. I’m somewhere toward the latter but closer to the middle than some. Not so far toward the end of the spectrum as the people who hire professionals but just short of making my own giant ice cream cones out of cardboard and paper mache.

I mean, I could do that…I would have to get the materials and…NO!

An added problem is that I can’t reuse any of the decorations. II could, realistically, through another Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Party, she wouldn’t mind, but my crazy won’t let me. So, I’m sitting on all of this stuff that will never get used again. I might start a party decor swap thing on my neighborhood Facebook page. At least someone would get some usage out of it. Then again, I don’t know that I could use someone else’s decorations. That would weird me out.

Yep, I have a problem.

This year’s theme is Care Bears. I’ll put up pictures after the party. Promise!

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Gone with the Wind Rabbit Hole

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So, last week, I kinda took a vacation from the blog. Not because I was actually on vacation but because I didn’t have shit to say. It was a slow week.

This weekend, I got tired of scrolling through facebook – there’s nothing on there but weird political ads, one guy I went to high school with that I never talked to then or now, and recipes that I can’t eat (stupid weight watchers). Since I couldn’t take the Washington Post anymore…for obvious reasons – aka headlines on any given day, I moved to Pinterest. I’m not entirely sure this was a good move.

For some reason, my Pinterest feed is filled with Disney Travel (cause I can’t stop clicking on those blogs and reading them even though I’m not going to Disney in the foreseeable future), again-food I can’t eat, weight watchers recipes that seem like a good idea but once you actually click on it are disgusting-and for some reason, Gone with the Wind. There are just endless pictures of Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Vivien Leigh. That woman had one of the best resting bitch faces I’ve ever seen, but why is that filling my Pinterest feed? Also, all I can think about when I see pictures of Clark Gable is halitosis. Since he was born in Cadiz Ohio, I am all too familiar with Clark Gable.

Okay, I just went down a huge rabbit hole about Clark Gable on Wikipedia. Ugh, I need a deadline or I’m never going to get anything done.

Where was I?

Resting bitch face? No.

Clark Gable’s horrible bad breath? And honestly, I pity any woman who had to make out with him. But nope, that’s not what we were talking about.

My strange Gone with the Wind Pinterest feed? YES!

Where the hell did this weird shit come from? I know I didn’t click on anything that was Gone with the Wind related. I didn’t. I swear. Okay, I’m not going to lie to you, I can’t be sure. There’s no telling what I clicked on. If there was a list on there about the 10 best resting bitch faces in Hollywood, there’s a good chance I clicked on it. I’m a sucker for a list.

I would also like to throw out there that (and I’ve mentioned this in previous blog posts) I’m a really strange person. I first watched Gone with the Wind at the age of 5. The. WHOLE. FUCKING. THING. I sat there and watched it, intermission and all. I’ve seen Gone with the Wind more times than any single person should. I’ve probably spent at least a year of my life watching that movie. I’m not that sad about it either.

When I was little, I wanted to be Scarlet O’Hara (yes, I am aware that we named our daughter Scarlett – however, that wasn’t my choice. You can thank Ross for that one. It took me a good year to not hear, “Miss Scarlet”, in my head whenever I said her name). Back to the point. I wanted to be Scarlet O’Hara and now I see that might not be a good thing because she definitely had some disreputable character flaws; selfishness, she was a bully, there was definitely a win at all costs mentality to her. However, she also stood her ground, she was definitely an Alpha among Betas and loyal to a fault. Both the good and the bad, there are aspects of my personality where I really pulled it off.

I’m not sure if that’s positive or negative. It’s open for discussion and I don’t care what the outcome of that discussion is, I’m good.

See. Scarlet O’Hara.

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I built a Damned Castle

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I have a serious personality flaw.

I know all of you are surprised but it’s true.

I’m not very patient. Seriously. I get an idea and there’s no waiting. Whatever it is that I decide I’m going to do has to happen right then and there. If it’s something that needs bought, I’ll go out and get it. If it’s something I need to do, then it’s getting done. If I ask someone to do something, I don’t want it done at your leisure, I want it done now.

There’s a reason that Ross bought me this.

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If you don’t know who this is, I’ll give you a hint.

 

I’m not going to lie to you, Ross calls me Veruca . . . a lot. Anyway, On Saturday, we had an empty cardboard box from a sofa delivery and I decided that we were going to make something out of it. I’d been on pinterest looking at toddler crafts the day before and that was clearly a mistake and way to much peer-pressure. They made it look so easy!

I stared at that box and asked Scarlett if she wanted a house or a castle. Of course she said castle, and off to Target we went. I only go to Target any more. If I have to go to multiple stores with her in tow then, invariably, one store gets left off. Either because we’ve been out too long and she isn’t having it anymore, or the thought of taking her in and out of the car-seat one more good-god-damned-time just has my patience at an all time low. As we discussed earlier, I have none. I bought some wrapping paper because I sure was’t painting that shit. Some string. And, some pink duct tape. She wanted pink. I hate pink so, of course, my daughter loves it. I try and mix it up with some other colors so it’s not overwhelming.

Pinterest be damned. Here’s the results of our efforts.

 

You’ll notice the top is not completed. I ran out of wrapping paper so, the roof just isn’t done. Oh well. Also, my daughter wanted skylights. So she got skylights. We had a working drawbridge until the cat chewed through the string, snapping the supports. I mean, it technically works since it’s still attached at the bottom and she can pull it up. However, it’s not accurate from a construction/historical standpoint. That annoys me.

So, what have we learned from this?

  1. I’m amazing and can build a castle.
  2. Pintrest can suck it.
  3. Duct Tape really can fix everything.
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Temptation and Sin

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Saturday was Scarlett’s 2nd birthday party. During the course of the party, I was explaining to my mother about how Etsy was the devil. It truly is. But I would also like to point out that if Etsy is the devil, then Pintrest is temptation. Let me explain.

You’re planning a party. You start going on Pintrest to see what kind of stuff other people have done. This was my board for her 1st Birthday Party. As you can see, I went through there and was like I can do all of this. See regular people like me can put on a party that is fabulous. I didn’t learn my lesson from year one because here is my board for her 2nd Birthday Party.  I realize that some of these were super f’in crafty moms that live to scrapbook and glue shit together. I am not one of those people. However, I didn’t let that stop me. Bitches, I don’t mess around. I don’t make stuff but I buy stuff like a tornado.

This is where the devil that is Etsy comes in. If you can’t make it yourself, someone else can and guaranteed they have a shop on Etsy. Plus, you don’t buy it all at once. You get a piece here, a piece there and before you know it, you’ve spent $300 on birthday party decorations and you’re not sad about it. Not one bit. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I bought a vinyl decal of Tinkerbell from a woman in Israel. Don’t care.

So, after my first foray into the pit of Pintrest and Etsy last year.

There was a lot of exacto knife action and hot glue for this stuff. Did I learn my lesson? NO!

Here are some pictures from her 2nd Birthday Party.

Do you see those stupid little Mickey Mouse heads? I cut those out for three nights straight. The worst part is that I cut out too many for all the places I put them so now, I just have a bunch of extra Mickey Mouse heads. Boo!

Plus, my friend Eva made the cake! It was AWESOME! Both tasty and beautiful.

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So, what have I learned? Nothing. More than likely, I’ll be on Pinterest again next year right after Christmas and looking for a new theme. This horrible cycle will continue because I am a non-repentant sinner. I love this shit and I’m so glad there are some crafty people on Etsy that will do it for me. Otherwise, I would be sad. Scarlett doesn’t care. She’s two.