So, this is my list of movies that I can’t turn off. They may be good and they may be bad (let’s be honest, some of these are really REALLY bad) but I can’t seem to turn off these movies if I come across them in the guide. Ross understands that he shouldn’t stop on any of these if he doesn’t want to watch them, because I’m going to be in til the end.
11. Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 72%)
How in God’s name does this have a score of 72%? I have no idea how these scores work but even I can say that 72% is WAY too high. Winona Ryder is horrible and over acted every scene. Honestly, I’m not sure how Gary Oldman kept his shit together everyday. Keanu Reeves is horrible. His accent is just ridiculous. The only good person in this is Gary Oldman. I just love Gary Oldman. I could have a list of movies that I love and he’s the best part, (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy; All the Christian Bale Batman’s; Harry Potter; The Fifth Element)
10. V for Vendetta, 2006 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 72%)
This movies gets a pretty okay score on Rotten Tomatoes and I’m not entirely sure what that means but the dystopian London, the vigilate in a mask, and the creepy twist on the phantom of the opera just do it for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate Phantom of the Opera, but the Guy Fawkes mask is awesomely demented.
The bit of this that makes it borderline bad for me is Natalie Portman’s accent. Come on. It’s horrible. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not as horrible as Denise Richards attempting to speak Russian in The World is Not Enough bad, but it’s hard to listen to and really brings the creepy vibes down a notch or two.
9. Red, 2010 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 71%
Okay, so seriously, I’m listing both Red and Red 2 in this category. This has John Malkovich as a bat-shit-crazy ex-CIA operative and Helen Mirren as former MI6 who specialized in wet works, do I need to say more. Bruce Willis is kind of a throwaway in these movies, but it’s fine.
8. Bring it on, 2000 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 63%)
Eliza Dushku as a peppy cheerleader! Done.
No but really. Technically, yes the Clovers had a better routine at the end but the Toros were cleaner and more put together.
7. Sin City, 2005 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 77%)
Elijah Wood creeps me out and I love it!
Although the story line with Jessica Alba and Bruce Willis is disgusting and creepy in a whole different way. Dude, don’t lust after the child you saved from a molesting, murdering fuckhead. I don’t care if she is not 18 and you’re 65. Nope. Just nope. Not cool.
6. Road House, 1989 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 38%)
How doesn’t everyone love this movie. There are some great ridiculous scenes in this movie:
- Patrick Swayze practicing Tae Kwon Do in only gi pants along the river for no particular reason.
- Sam Elliot – just Sam Elliott. There’s no way that man was winning any fight! He was a hundred years old and clearly broken.
- The stuffed polar bear falling on the big fat guy (Tiny) and pinning him.
Plus, the acting was soooooo bad from people who should have known better.
5. Teen Witch, 1989 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 38%)
For some reason, they decided to have a few musical numbers in this coming of age, paranormal movie. I’ve included the most ridiculous one for your viewing enjoyment.
Also, the medium from Poltergeist is in this movie as a witch and all I can think of every time she’s on screen is, “this house is clean” when so clearly, it’s not.
This movie is campy and typical 80’s teenage trash and I love it.
4. Red Dawn, 1984 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 46%)
Another reel of Patrick Swayze awesomeness. This movie has all your 1980’s favorites: Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Charlie Sheen, Harry Dean Stanton, Powers Booth, and they all voluntarily signed up for this. I’m always surprised that his movie has a running time of 1 hour and 54 minutes, it always feels so much longer.
3. Bad Boys, 2003 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 22%)
I love this movie. It’s horrible. It looks like Miami Vice and Silk Stalkings had a baby and produced this cluster of a visual. The neon EVERYWHERE is incredible. What police department looks like this? They basically took every police captain trope and said, fuck it-let’s get it in there. Tea Leoni is bad. I’m not sure why anyone hires her. She was basically the Kristen Stewart of the early 2000’s. I guess in every generation, there is one. Will Smith doesn’t age. At. All.
There’s going to be a Bad Boys 3 and I’m not ashamed to say that i’m excited to see it. Look at this trailer! It looks ridiculous. Martin Lawrence is fat and doughy, and Will Smith hasn’t aged. I’m all for this.
2. Killer Klowns from Outer Space, 1988 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 77%)
Look at those clowns! Here is the plot synopsis from IMDB: When a small town is invaded by aliens from outer space who are capturing and killing the townspeople, no one takes them seriously. Why? The aliens all look like circus clowns, use weapons that look clown like, and all have painted on smiles. Only a few of the young people in the town realize the danger and of course no one believes them. Armed with an ice cream truck they try and rescue their friends.
These clowns capture people in cotton candy and then drink their blood through giant crazy straws. Their space ship is a giant circus tent. How could you not want to watch this? No really? How? I own this movie.
- Old School, 2003 (Rotten Tomatoes Score – 60%)
This movie also has some problems with older men and a much younger girl. So there’s that. However, Ross and I still quote Frank the Tank at least once a month. Some of our favorites include:
- You’re my boy Blue
- I’ll just do one
- Still holding. Still holding.
Honestly, some of the best stuff is in the commentary on the bonus features, the stuff you’ll never see or hear unless you own it. Plus, the pep rally and Vince Vaughn really giving that dance his all while Luke Wilson half-asses it is entertaining to watch.
Those are some of my guilty pleasures. What are yours?