Ross and I get the NY Times on Sunday and one of our favorite parts are in the Real Estate Section. They set a price (This week it was $800,000.00) and find out what you can get for that price around the country. Ross reads the description and I pick the best option.

This was Sunday’s options.

These are some of the strangest listing we’ve come across yet.

Bexley Ohio – $795,000

First, let’s review the Bexley option. This is basically a cement block and somehow that doesn’t seem appealing. I see a lot of tapestries in the future of whomever buys this. I mean, I like Bexley and all but I’m not paying $795,000 for a cement block. I lived in an apartment that was all cinder block and that was the coldest thing I’ve ever lived in. No thank you.

There’s also a lot of weird information in this one; “The current dining room occupies the space of the original living room“… who gives a shit where the original living room used to be? Seriously?

Then there’s this one; “A third bedroom currently used as child’s room has an en-suite full bathroom.” Again, what the fuck does that matter that it’s being used as a child’s bedroom? Is it a bedroom? Then it’s being used for its designated purpose. I don’t see the need to clarify the use. It’s not like someone is going to go look at this house after seeing it in the NYTimes and say, “Hell no, They said there was a bedroom here and it’s being used as a child’s room. I will NOT look any further!” That’s just not going to happen.

Fall River Massachusetts – $799,000

This is Lizzie Borden’s old house.

Wait, maybe you didn’t read that correctly.

IT’S LIZZIE BORDEN’S OLD HOUSE!

Independent of that fact, this house is sold with all the original furniture. You’re basically buying a giant doll house which is kinda amazing. Then – as if this could get any better – evidently, Lizzie lived there with her sister Emma Borden. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?! If your sister is accused of murdering your parents, what kinda crazy do you have to be to then move in with her?

 

And last but definitely not least…

Langley Washington – $750,000

There are a couple of things I’d like to quote here…

“Classified as a two-bedroom house because of the size of its septic system, the home has four usable bedrooms,”

What this means is that four people can live here but only two of them can shit.

“A nearby paved road leads to a…”

What this says to me is that there aren’t a whole lot of paved roads around this house.

When Ross read it to me, I chose the Lizzie Borden house – for obvious reasons. After looking at additional pictures online, i think that still the right answer. Just gotta get rid of some wall paper. Historical accuracy be damned. That shit is hideous.