As you can see from the banner, my kid loves Toy Story. She happily waited in line for 40 minutes to see Woody and Buzz. I’ve seen Toy Story and Toy Story 2 more times than I could count. So, there was no way we WEREN’T going to go see Toy Story 4.

Blurb: Woody, Buzz Lightyear and the rest of the gang embark on a road trip with Bonnie and a new toy named Forky. The adventurous journey turns into an unexpected reunion as Woody’s slight detour leads him to his long-lost friend Bo Peep. As Woody and Bo discuss the old days, they soon start to realize that they’re worlds apart when it comes to what they want from life as a toy.

******Spoiler Alert******

I may be the only person on the planet that feels this way but this movie. It’s true. Toy Story 4 pissed me off. There. I said it. Everyone loved this damned movie. Let’s be honest, this thing got a 98% Fresh score on Rotten Tomatoes and a 94% audience score. That’s pretty fucking good.

I’m not even going to lie to you and tell you it wasn’t enjoyable. It was. Bo Peep was kind of a badass and Ioved it. She had an edge to her that she hadn’t had before. When Woody dislodges her arm and starts screaming, Bo fake freaks out and then laughs at him. That is some sarcastic and wicked shit right there. Bo turned into an actual super hero. That’s pretty f’in cool.

Also, Keanu is making a huge comeback and I’m loving that too. He’s laughing at all of his haters as he cashes his checks and just generally being a wonderful human being with his Buddhist self.

This is just amazing.

Let’s get the crux of my anger with Toy Story 4.

I was promised a Bromance to end all bromances. Woody and Buzz led the entire world to believe that they would stay together forEVER. This is the same feeling I had at the end of Lord of the Rings (book not the movie). I remember calling my friend at the end – who was on a date btw – and balling about how the fellowship was splitting up and that shit wasn’t right. She listened to me for like 10 minutes. I wouldn’t have, especially on a date but that bitch understood. Plus, she thought it was funny. If you’re wondering – and why wouldn’t you be – I also cried at the end of the Man in the Iron Mask. I am a HUGE Dumas and Musketeers fan. That book was basically the death of the Musketeers. I’m fine with them dying. Their fictional life was hard and grueling. But they each died ALONE! NO! Just NO. They should have gone out together in a hail of musket fire or in a sword fight. It just wasn’t right.

These characters have all been cheated and I won’t stand for it.

In addition, the last three movies have been priming all of us for the importance of a toy to a child and getting back to their kid and how important being there for them was. Well, Woody isn’t the favorite anymore and now, we’re just going to ditch our kid and go off with Bo Peep to do . . . whatever.

WHAT?

All that crap about staying with your kid and being there for them was a bunch of bullshit as soon as Woody wasn’t the favorite. Toy Story 3, the entire f’in thing, Woody was trying to convince the other toys to be okay with the relegation to the attic. Suddenly, being left in the closet for a while isn’t okay. This whole movie really exposes Woody’s ultimate selfishness and his fragile ego.

I can’t take it. I’m angry at the hypocrisy but ultimately, the thing that makes me the most angry is the collapse of the bromance I was promised.

I was incredibly disappointed.