Tag Archives: edward vs. jacob

Did I just read that?

I’m going to come right out and say it. I read some weird shit. I range from non-fiction about serial killers to inspirational romance and everything in between. Don’t judge me! I have varying tastes and sometimes, I realize, that too much murder may make me callous. Not that I’m normally a real nurturing person but believe me, it can get worse.

Here’s the thing though, since my reading selection is so diverse, I come across some stuff that even to me seems out of place or too funny to be taken seriously.

I’m reading a book now where the heroine refers to herself as “a Tallahassee Lassie”. Um, what? Is that something that people say in real life? If so, you should stop that right now! Did you write that with a straight face? Did your editor read that and not cackle out loud? If so, how?

I recently read a non-fiction, published first in 1995, that referred to African Americans as “the blacks”. . . REPEATEDLY. Um, what century are you from? Not cool. Also, super racist.

I won’t even talk about the first page of 50 Shades of Gray because that’s as far as I got before I laughed my way to closing that book and moving on. I stumbled over how that narrator formed her inner thoughts and wondered, who actually talks like that, especially in their own head. “I must not sleep with it wet” Who says that as part of their internal monologue. Okay, when taken out of context, that’s kinda funny.

I read a series of books that the hero gave the heroine a nickname which was “nighty girl” because she was wearing a nightgown when they first met. That, in and of itself poses problems. However, after a while you’d think you would get used to it, but no. It, got weirder and weirder the longer it went on and a bit uncomfortable. Seriously, say that out loud and see if you don’t cringe. Its not cute. Its definitely not sexy. If anything, it seems a bit smarmy and stalkerish. Just saying.

I’m just going to throw this up here to cleanse our paletes of the icky misogyny.

I think we also need to discuss Edward the sparkling vampire. Because why is that a choice you ever make?

Why would you ever do this? If a vampire is going to sparkle, it better be a fucking unicorn vampire. And you know why that shit sounds dumb, but sparkles and vampires should never be in the same description.

What’s the takeaway? Read your shit out loud before you hit submit. I know I’ll be doing that from now on.

Twilight Saga is My Shame

I’ll admit it.

I read all of the Twilight books and I read them more than once. Which I really shouldn’t say out loud let alone in print. My urban fantasy comrades may disown me for such a confession.  

I can NOT, however, be held responsible for my actions. I was young (older than I should have been but that’s not the point) and duped into submission by the promise of lusty vampires and awesome werewolves. If you’ve read my books, you know…that’s kinda my thing. Plus, who doesn’t love a little sappy romance, even if her vampires do sparkle.  

That one I had a hard time getting over. Seriously, even in Seattle, there’s light that would reflect off of sparkly skin. Rainy is not a logical explanation for being able to go out in the day. The explanation doesn’t have to be rooted in science but…come on! I think I would notice some dude, in say a mall, or restaurant, or SCHOOL under the florescents and his skin sparkled. I just would. Anyway, I digress.

I went with my friend to watch the first movie back when it came out. After that, I was done. I didn’t go see another one. I couldn’t take Kristen Stewart’s sappy inexpressive face. Did anyone else notice that she never closes her mouth. Is she not capable of breathing through her nose? Does her jaw not line up? Are her teeth too big for her face? I don’t know. But I couldn’t stop staring at her with the exact same expression throughout the entire movie with her mouth gaping open. I was positive she had to eaten a bug or two during filming. It’s just not possible that she didn’t. This is an example. Actually, I had a hard time finding a picture with her mouth closed. kristen-stewart

So, I went about my life blissfully happy that i’d missed the last four installments of the twilight movie SAGA (and I use that word flippantly). Until, that is, this weekend. I was cleaning and decided I wanted some background noise so I turned on the television. I should have just plugged in my phone to the speakers and listened to a book. That would have been better for my IQ. Anyway, the television turns on and Breaking Dawn Part 1 is on showtime (I think) so I leave it on, knowing I won’t want to pay attention. I needed to clean. My house was disgusting…even to me which is saying something.

I really should have just plugged in my phone.

I ended up watching the whole f’ing thing. Again, staring at her open mouth. I was fixated like a fly in a spider web by the incredible inadequacy of her acting – of everyone’s acting really. Whoever the casting director was, should be banned from Hollywood. Kristen Stewart may be the worst of the bunch. Her acting is like a train wreck, slow, painful, and I’m unable to look away. There’s an actual facebook page dedicated to Kristen Stewart’s horrible acting and her never closing her mouth. Google is a wonderful thing!

So, I get through this entire movie, and then it ends in the middle. Now, I was prepared for this since I read the books and had heard from my friend how angry she was when she saw it. That did not, however, stop me from going to the redbox and renting Part 2. I have no excuse, other than i can’t leave something unfinished. My husband had to take a book away from me once. Even though I hated every word on the page, I wouldn’t stop reading it. “It might get better,” I’d said. I have a problem. Unfortunately, there’s no group for me. I just couldn’t stop in the middle of the story. So, yes. I paid $1.28 to rent Breaking Dawn Part 2. I watched it and it was just as horrible as I thought it would be. I actually kinda wished that they’d made the movie about the Russian Chick from Alaska and the Revolutionary dude instead. I was much more interested in their story than the one I was watching.

I redeem myself by also having rented the Avengers which is an awesome movie. I don’t think its enough though.

Even in the trailer, you can tell it isn’t going to be good. Maybe next weekend will be better… SIGH