Scarlett and I went to Michael’s last night. In the same way Babies R Us used to scare the shit out of me, Michael’s fills me with the same terror.

Before I had a baby, I would avoid baby aisles, baby stores, and anything generally related to a baby as if my life depended on it. I’d never actually held a baby until a nurse put my own daughter in my arms. If I had to get a baby shower gift, I’d always get a bathtub. You might say, wow-that’s a thoughtful gift. Nope, I got a bathtub because I knew what it was.

When I was doing my own baby registry for my little bundle of joy, I basically had a panic attack in the aisle filled with nothing but nipples. I looked to my friend Eva and said, “Why the fuck are there so many nipples?”

She laughed at me.

Last night at Michael’s, I felt the same way. The same confusion. The same sense of being overwhelmed. The same feeling of being lost in aisles that made no damned sense. Why were you in Michael’s? you might ask. A valid question. {Also, I’m going to stop putting the link in there. This is getting stupid. You have it already. If you want to go look at their website you have any number of links.} Back to my point. Why was I in Michael’s. Well, Scarlett’s 2nd birthday party is coming up and this requires me to be a bit crafty. Not, like make-a-wreath crafty. More like glue-gun-some-shit-together-and-hope-for-the-best crafty.

Here was my list:

1. Construction Paper
2. Party Pack of Crayons
3. Scissors
4. Hole Punch thingy
5. Foam balls (for centerpieces)
6. Ribbon
7. Favor Bags
8. Grass (for the centerpieces)

It took me an hour of aimlessly wandering down aisle after aisle, but I got six of the eight things on my list.

I strolled down aisles filled with shit I couldn’t even determine their use for as Scarlett reached for everything shiny on the shelves. There was a scrapbooking aisle. Who has time for scrapbooking. I barely had time for the Michael’s trip last night. An aisle filled entirely with pieces of felt. What is that for? Frames. Baskets. Woodworking, evidently. Fake flowers. Baking. I’m not sure how baking/cake decorating fits in. Is that a “craft”? I have no idea.

We managed to get out of there with our sanity still in check. So, I’m thankful for that. I ordered the crayons today but I still need those stupid foam balls. It looks like I’ll be making one more trip to Michael’s, or God help me, Jo-Ann’s.

Wish me luck!