As I drive to and from work on a daily basis, I often wish that there was a device that only I had the ability to use. This is important because some asshole would definitely use this thing on me if it existed. I get angry and road rage is definitely a issue in my case. I’m surprised that I haven’t been in more fights, honestly.

But I digress…

On this device, there would be two buttons which would target a car of my choosing. The first button would be to disable the car so it can no longer operate under the current driver. The second button…oh the second button. This would destroy the car in a big ball of fiery goodness, thereby eliminating the car from the roads forever. Now, some of you are probably saying to yourself – but Suzanne, the driver would die. No, no. I envision a targeting system that blinks and beeps. This would alert the driver that they had 30 seconds to get the hell out of the car. The rest is on them.

Examples:

1. Dude cutting across three lanes of one way traffic to make a left turn. – First, go around the damned block. Second, you can’t turn from the third lane. You just can’t. = destroy
2. 20 something chick texting while doing 40. – Nothing is that important. = disable 
3. Woman reading the kindle while sailing through downtown. – I realize that you’re probably really into that book but put it down for the 30 minutes its going to take you to get to work. Please… = definitely destroy
4. Old man doing 40 on the highway when the speed limit is 65. – It may seem fast but really 40 in a 65 is going to kill someone. Really, either speed up or stay off the highway. = disable
5. The guy with his blinker on for 4 miles. – Where are you going? Don’t you hear the constant tic tic tic of the blinker? How does that not drive you insane? = disable
6. Drunk woman going the wrong way on the highway. – There are no words. = DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY
7. The idiot who is playing on his phone at a light and then basically sits through an entire cycle of green only to pull away when he looks up and realizes the light is yellow. – ASSHOLE = destroy

Now, you might think that I’m exaggerating. Unfortunately not. The drunk woman was on the news. The rest I’ve seen in real life. And yes, I did pull up to a woman at a light that had her kindle propped up against the steering wheel in her lap. So, if any of you techies out there want to build something like this for me, I would be forever grateful.