Tag Archives: care.com

21st Century Psychic Hotlines

Did you know that there is basically a tinder for psychics? Did you? This is amazing. You can shop on keen.com for psychics like you would a baby sitter on care.com. I am so excited about this that I actually have no words.

There are so many things to talk about. So. Many.

First, they have ratings. What’s the cut off line for star ratings? How do you rate a psychic? Is it on accuracy? How they made you feel? or just if they were nice to you? What are the criteria for rating a fucking psychic?

Second, some of these names are amazing – because, you know, very few put their real full name.

  1. Michael Angel of Light – I don’t know what’s going on here but first and foremost, Michael was an avenging angel, leading God’s armies against Satan. I’m pretty sure that’s not the touchy feely image you’re looking for. Just saying.
  2. Syrenity – shut up. This is not a name. Plus, based on her picture, she’s old enough to know better than to put a “y” in her name as if its a real vowel.
  3. Special Woman – In case you needed to be reminded.
  4. Love Psychic Investigator – What in the actual fuck are you investigating. I have this image in my mind of a guy in a trench coat and a very large magnifying glass which doesn’t help me take him seriously.
  5. Fortuna the Blessed – this one comes with a warning. I shit you not. WARNING!!! This psychic is extremely accurate…  So here is my question. What does … mean? She very accurate that you will be charged $3.99/min? I just don’t know.
  6. Love Detective Divine Psychic – I have no words other than she’s only $1.99/min so depending on how much psychic you want, there are varying fee structures.
  7. Divine Path Psychic Moon Tribe – This one seems too ridiculous to even mention but what really puts it over the top is the picture, a middle aged white lady at a party with a foil crown on her head. I don’t know what to do with any of that.
  8. Smooth Waters – this one’s “Licensed Certified”…IN WHAT? OMG! I had to look that up. This actually exists. American Federation of Certified Psychics and Mediums. This is a rabbit hole I could fall down for days. Step away Suzanne…step away.

Let’s move on to the pictures. I love the new agey films some people put on their pictures; fairy wings or the sun and moon or the ocean in their background. There were a few glamour shots from back in the day. You remember, big hair, feather boa, and  a soft filmy filter. Oh god, now I’m down a glamour shots rabbit hole on google images. Save me!There were a few professional head shots. Good for you. I particularly like the ones who just didn’t give a shit and put up selfies. A couple of those people looked like serial killers or like they belonged in a motorcycle gang. Take your pick.

You’re welcome!