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Sushi Drunk and Disappointed

Saturday was date night! We did it up fancy too. We went out for sushi and saw a movie. I love sushi! I’m not a big fan of nigiri, that’s what Ross eats. I love the rolls. Here’s the thing. You look at sushi and you think, it’s only a little bit of fish and some rice. I can eat like three rolls. Not only that, I can order some spring rolls too, because those are soooooo good. The reality of the situation is that you CAN’T.

I had so much to eat. Then I had two glasses of wine on top of that. I was definitely sushi drunk. For those of you who don’t know what that is…sushi drunk is when you’re so full of delicious goodness that your face gets hot and you just want to snuggle up and get cozy. It’s not the same as being full, like when you ate that giant burger and fries. This is a softer full. This isn’t a type of “full” that makes you feel sick, just warm.

So, with this sitting like a heating pad in the pit of our stomachs, we went to see Beauty and the Beast.

Where to begin?

First, I completely understand why they chose the fabric they did for her yellow gown. Movement is key in that scene and the dress flowed beautifully. However, the design was horrible. This was one of the most hideous dresses I’ve seen and really didn’t do Emma Watson justice. Also, the weird tucked in skirt that Emma Watson was parading around in with the bloomers showing…nope. Absolutely not. Basically, the entire costume design was a fail. I won’t even get started on Ross’s rant about the villagers costumes. It was epic and hilarious.

Second, I know that the new songs were from the broadway show but the only good one was from the beast as Belle flees to save her father. The rest…meh. This disappoints me since Tim Rice was involved. I loved Aida! I might actually like the broadway show of Aida better than the actual opera which is saying something. So, the new songs were disappointing to say the least.

Third, it’s just weird to watch Hermione from Harry Potter make out with Matthew from Downton Abbey.

Four, Cinderella (the live action film) tried to update and reshape the fairy tale. Beauty and the Beast was basically a shot for shot recreation. I’ve seen that movie. If I wanted to watch it again, I’d just put in the cartoon. I was left with a feeling of been-there,-done-that.

There were some good points too!

The first was the fact that they explained why no one knew about a castle and a feudal lord within mob walking distance from the village. I get that the world was small back then but this dude would have basically been their Lord. They would have known.

Also, why it was suddenly winter. Although the snowball fight in the cartoon makes it feel like a longer time period has passed so, there was more time for them to get to know each other. This isn’t true, of course, otherwise how long was Maurice wandering in the woods?

Second, it was definitely less Stockholm Syndromy. Belle gave as good as she got which was good.

So, all in all, the best thing to come out of Saturday night was the sushi.

The Interweb Knows…

There are a couple of things that I like.

1. I like to eat. I like food. Simple. Complicated. It doesn’t matter. Hence, the post on Wednesday about working out. I’m about 1 for 1 on that front, by the way.  Not good.

Anyway…

2. I like Disney. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who has seen my blog posts in the past. I actually post a lot about Disney which is probably sad but I don’t care. I love it.

And…

3. I like weird random countdown lists. It doesn’t matter what they’re about, I will click on them.

“How 24 TV shows cleverly handled their stars’ real-life pregnancies”

“15 of the best #momconfessoins” – This one was particularly funny. I could relate. Especially about eating snacks in the bathroom so their children wouldn’t steal it. Yesterday, Scarlett (who is two, by the way) ate my SALAD instead of the macaroni and cheese she had in front of her. The day before, she ate all my strawberries and whipped cream. Then she wanted the popcorn Ross was eating. Ross just doesn’t eat until he drops her off at daycare in the morning because she eats all of his cereal.

Back to the point.

I understand these lists are nothing but clickbait. I KNOW IT! But I can’t stop myself. I then get annoyed when it takes too long to flip through the pages and really only make it about halfway through any list. I rarely make it to the end. I lack patience.

Plus, now that I’ve stopped following basically all people on Facebook, all that’s left are posts from recipe sites which means I see nothing but food every time I log in. So, I’m basically hungry all day. Disney World posts that are amazing but make me judge myself about why I’m not going to Disney World more regularly. And then finally, the clickbait. These are good for a momentary laugh but I know I’m downloading some horrible malware on my machine. I’m basically playing Russian Roulette with my devices each time I click on one.

But then there is the best one of all when they converge into a single amalgamation of bliss.

“The 15 best foods to eat as Disney World”

YAS!

Working Out is the Devil

This is basically me. I think I would rather be doing anything else than working out. And I mean ANYTHING else. Actually, ripping out my toenails seems more appealing to me than working out.

Before I got married, I was working out 5 days a week for like an hour and a half to two hours each day. I hated every minute of it but I didn’t want to be a giant cow for my wedding. Everyone said that I would get to a point where I LOVED working out and would gladly go because of the endorphins or some shit. LIES! They all lied to me.

In 2 and a half years of working out consistently, that great feeling never happened to me. Granted, I was thinner and felt better generally when I did work out consistently but no, there was no euphoric experience where the heavens opened up and the Gods spoke their truths to me. Working out is not better than sex. Maybe this happens for other people – Teresa, I’m looking in your direction. This never happened to me.

There’s also the sweat factor. I hate sweating. Part of that is because I don’t actually sweat. I get clammy and disgusting until my skin is just a soggy pool of saturated goo.

Hell, I don’t even like to be in a place that’s more than 70 degrees. Summers are a bitch for me. Don’t expect to see me outside between the months of May and September. The heat and the sun make summer unbearable for me cause I’m basically transparent. #TransparentAmerican

I have a gym membership but I never go. With Ross’ schedule and Scarlett, it’s hard for me to find the time to go to and from the gym, work out, and then shower. I know people that get up at like 4:30 in the godforsaken morning to go workout. I’m not doing that. I’m not capable of doing that. As an example, I once got up out of bed. Got ready to go to the gym. Got dressed. Put shoes on. Then turned right back around and went back to bed. Shoes and all. I know my limitations and getting out of bed to workout is one of them. I love my bed. It’s amazing.

So, here’s my new plan. If I can work out for like 30 minutes every day (I have a wii fitness game that gives me a pretty good cardio boxing workout) either cardio or strength training (I need to get the wii fit board working again – *sigh*) #BatteriesInTooLong, then that will do me a world of good. Right? Please tell me I’m right. I need to hear it to stay motivated. Or else, back to bed for me.

Writing is hard

I love writing. I love to live in a story of my own creation and just disappear from the world. I’m gonna be honest with you though, it’s hard. To those people who say: I just sat down and wrote a book! I call bullshit. If you did, you didn’t write a good book.

There are so many things to consider, to plan, to evolve over the course of a book. There’s no way you just sat down and was like, “hey, i’m gonna write a book”. Nope, didn’t happen.

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First, there are the characters and I don’t mean each and every person that makes an appearance in your book. I mean the main characters, the ones you want to stick with people long after they’ve put your book down. These people have to be real. Any shallow representations or facsimiles will be spotted and quick.

Second, you have to really think about your plot. Some people are “pantsers” (which means you sit down and just start writing without an overarching plan). This is true, you can do that, but their plot construction comes at the end while editing and finding holes that need to be filled. These people start with the characters and formulate everything else around those people. I personally find it easier to work those kinks out before hand but others don’t. I used to be a “pantser” when I first started but I ended up writing the same book three times just to get it right. All because I didn’t pre-plan. Now, the planning might take some of the surprise out of the book but it ends up being a much cleaner product.

Third, there’s a lot of responsibility to produce the best possible product – not only from my editor but from myself. I want my readers to feel the same things I do when I write any scene. I want to be proud of what I put out there for the world to consume.

Fourth, anyone who thinks they’re getting into writing to be a gazillionaire is nuts. For the most part, there’s no money in it. The authors that can sustain themselves with only their royalties are few and far between. Taking that into consideration, when I see free downloads online from sites that basically stole my work, it makes me furious. It also makes me feel horrible for those authors that don’t have another stream of income and are relying on their royalties to keep them afloat. Buy the book! It’s not that expensive!

Fifth, readers aren’t stupid. You have to know your story inside and out because your readers will. You make a mistake, they’ll find it. You don’t do a good job flushing something out, they’ll point it out. Or worse, they’ll stop buying your books.

Sixth, it’s really hard to not get distracted. Unless you’re on deadline, there’s nothing but your will-power pushing you to write that next sentence, paragraph, page, and chapter. And, sometimes, life and work get in the way. Also, the internet. The internet always gets in the way. Facebook is the devil. Just keep that in mind.

Finally, it’s hard to let it go. You type “The End” but that’s never the end. You can go over it again and again, shaping and reshaping until you’re blue in the face. Adding and deleting until you want to poke your eyes out from the stress and pain of editing the thing you love like your own limb. It is an extension of you with all the greatness and flaws that you possess. Letting it go, out into the world, is scary and nothing less than daunting. People will read it! They will judge you and not all of them will be favorable. Hell, some of them will be down right mean. You are not perfect and neither will your book be. The best you can do is get to a place where you don’t feel like you’re going to break down and weep as you hit the send button.

Let it go. What do you have to lose?

Ross is Beauty and I am the Beast!?!

So last night, we were sitting on the couch and reading stories to Scarlett. I asked her if she was a princess. This is how the conversation went:

Scarlett: “Nooo”

Me:  “Am I a Princess?”

Scarlett:  “Nooo”

Me: “Is Daddy a Princess?”

Scarlett: “Yes”

At this point both Ross and I laughed. It was funny. Especially since she seemed so excited about the prospect of Daddy being a princess.

Me: “Does Daddy live in a castle?”

Scarlett: “Yes”

Me: “What’s Daddy’s Princess name?”

Scarlett: “Belle”

Now, this sounded a lot like Beyell but I got the gist. Ross laughed.

Ross: “That sounds about right. I’m a bookish, I’m pretty, and I suffer for a mild case of Stockholm Syndrome.”

Me: “Ha ha, and you’re married to a beast. But hey, wait, does that mean I get a Mrs. Potts? I could use a CGI tea pot to cook and clean for me.”

Ross: “Plus, the musical numbers.”

I know this is a ridiculous conversation. One of many we have at our house. We entertain ourselves. But there is some merit here.

  1. Ross and I both love a library and are incredibly bookish/nerdy people.
  2. Although he doesn’t have an eccentric inventor for a father, we do have an entire room in our basement devoted to trains. Make of that what you will
  3. He likes to dance. Ballgowns aside.
  4. He’s married to an antisocial, brusque individual who doesn’t like others

There are, however, some things going against him.

  1. He can’t carry a tune to save his life.
  2. He prefers non-fiction instead of fiction. Unless it’s a Scandinavian detective novel, then all bets are off.
  3. If he disappeared, people would care and look for him. Even if he did disappear into a distant castle that everyone has seemed to forget about.

As for me, here is the comparison.

  1. I am antisocial and don’t really like to leave my house.
  2. I often talk to inanimate objects with the expectation that they will hear me and do what I say. Who doesn’t?
  3. I am uncomfortable in new social situations and with new people.
  4. I have been known to roar on occasion

There are some things going against me too.

  1. I am not a wealthy aristocrat. That would be awesome, however. I would definitely like a castle of my own.
  2. I’m not that hairy. I mean, neither was he in the end but that’s neither here nor there.
  3. I, in fact, do not have a Mrs. Potts to cook and clean for me. I’m very disappointed with that fact.
  4. Honestly, the beast might be a better dancer than me. I literally have no rhythm or coordination.
  5. And finally, I like to bathe. So the hygiene thing is definitely a difference between us.

So, there you have it. Ross as the Beauty in our relationship and me as the Beast. I can’t even say that I’m surprised or offended. I’m not sure what that says about me.

I Love the Crazies!

I know this is going to sound weird but I love crazy people. Ross would argue that I’m one of them but my crazy is entirely different than the tin foil hat wearing kind of crazy. I’m more of a hyper focused, everything-must-be-exactly-the-way-I-want-it kinda crazy.

I knew a woman who horded nothing but dried beans in her basement.

I know a woman who bought a fire ladder for her new house but didn’t buy furniture. This is you Della! She also has a “go bag” encase she has to skip town in a hurry. The dog she now owns, however, makes that more difficult. I’m sure she has a go bag for the dog too.

I once worked with a woman who was eccentric to say the least. In a single afternoon, I overheard some of the best statements of my life.

1. “Maybe I’ll see bigfoot this weekend when we go camping”
2. “I think the full moon made my dogs crazy”
3. “I would like to meet some aliens” (This was in reference to extraterrestrial aliens, not foreign aliens – although space aliens would fall under both categories. So, there’s that.)

These were actual quotes from three separate conversations. However, the best conversation I ever had with this particular woman was about her fear of taking a boat onto Lake Erie. I know what you’re thinking…she’s afraid of choppy water or being away from land. Maybe she can’t swim! All of those assumptions would be incorrect. In actuality, she was concerned about pirates.

You read that right. PIRATES!

At the time, I had this image in my head of a bunch of Canadian dudes with beards, demanding all of their Tim Horton’s donuts. But being very polite about it.

People might say that I’m being mean to people. Listen, everyone is a little bit crazy. In addition to my above acknowledgement of crazy, I also believe the following things:

  1. A person absolutely shouldn’t run unless someone is chasing them. And then, just trip the other person.
  2. I keep a machete in my house because in a zombie apocalypse, bullets will be scarce.
  3. The suburbs are creepy and I live there, so I know.
  4. And that Columbus Ohio will one day be ocean front property once all the ice caps melt. So, buy in Columbus now, while the getting is good.

Promposals…what?

I know I’m old. I get it. But when did the phenomenon of extravagant prom and homecoming invitations become a thing?

I see these on facebook every year. There’s always some elaborate set up; a big sign, an entire team involved, or some damned tabernacle choir singing. Can’t you just ask someone to go to prom? I especially don’t get it if you’re already dating. Isn’t that kind of a given?

Also, when I googled it, the thing has a name – Promposals – what?

This is so much pressure and quite frankly, asking in the first place is stressful enough. Now, you have to come up with some crazy theme, with balloons or a million falling dominoes to spell out “prom”.

I’m sorry, that’s just too much pressure.

I do have a couple of questions when considering some of the pictures from the link above.

  1. Are the schools really okay with students filling hallways with balloons and taking up school time to do this? Shouldn’t they be concerned about education instead of if Johnny and Sarah go to prom? Isn’t that a distraction? Maybe we should stop worrying about the size of the strap on girls’ tank tops and be concerned with this instead.
  2. If I was the owner of those cows, I’d be pissed. No question here but it needed to be said.
  3. What’s with all the creepers? Someone is creeping into my room to leave a bunch of stalker type shit for me to find, I’m sorry, I’m calling the cops.
  4. Who is okay with people messing with their food? No one, that’s who.
  5. A kitten? Really? Did a parent okay that? What if he/she is allergic to cats? You just killed your potential prom date. Good job!

I don’t even want to know what the trend will be when Scarlett is prom/homecoming age. Maybe they won’t have it anymore. One can only hope.

My Favorite Month

Well, since I’m posting in March and the title of this blog is “My Favorite Month”, you can assume that it’s March. You would be right. This is true for several reasons.

  1. My daughter was born in March. Just as a reminder of how stinkin’ cute she is. Here’s a photo. 2016-10-1216-15-23.747880
  2. March Madness! Need I say more. Also, my bracket was not busted. After two rounds of play, I’m at 93%. That’s right, cause I had Wisconsin winning. Ross is suitably impressed.

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3.  Shamrock Shakes. Let’s just take a moment and let that sink in. SHAMROCK SHAKES! Every year, the sugary sweetness of mint flavored milk calls to me. I feel about the shamrock shake like Ross feels about the McRib. Both are disgusting and will make you sick but you love them anyway. I wait, every year, for March to come around so I can suck down some minty goodness. The first McDonald’s I went through was a disappointment. Their shake machine was down. WTF? It’s shamrock shake time. Your shake machine cannot – and I repeat – CANNOT be down. So, on Friday (and on St. Patrick’s day too) I made a really bad choice. Not only did I get a Shamrock shake but I got a 20 piece chicken nugget as well.

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Don’t worry. I paid for it later. Not only were the nuggets both delicious and disgusting – all at the same time. The problem is that not only were the nuggets a bad choice (covered in sweet & sour sauce. uh huh, you read that right) but I’m lactose intolerant. So there’s that.

Here’s the thing. I need to get another one before the end of March and they disappear for another year.

Temptation and Sin

Saturday was Scarlett’s 2nd birthday party. During the course of the party, I was explaining to my mother about how Etsy was the devil. It truly is. But I would also like to point out that if Etsy is the devil, then Pintrest is temptation. Let me explain.

You’re planning a party. You start going on Pintrest to see what kind of stuff other people have done. This was my board for her 1st Birthday Party. As you can see, I went through there and was like I can do all of this. See regular people like me can put on a party that is fabulous. I didn’t learn my lesson from year one because here is my board for her 2nd Birthday Party.  I realize that some of these were super f’in crafty moms that live to scrapbook and glue shit together. I am not one of those people. However, I didn’t let that stop me. Bitches, I don’t mess around. I don’t make stuff but I buy stuff like a tornado.

This is where the devil that is Etsy comes in. If you can’t make it yourself, someone else can and guaranteed they have a shop on Etsy. Plus, you don’t buy it all at once. You get a piece here, a piece there and before you know it, you’ve spent $300 on birthday party decorations and you’re not sad about it. Not one bit. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I bought a vinyl decal of Tinkerbell from a woman in Israel. Don’t care.

So, after my first foray into the pit of Pintrest and Etsy last year.

There was a lot of exacto knife action and hot glue for this stuff. Did I learn my lesson? NO!

Here are some pictures from her 2nd Birthday Party.

Do you see those stupid little Mickey Mouse heads? I cut those out for three nights straight. The worst part is that I cut out too many for all the places I put them so now, I just have a bunch of extra Mickey Mouse heads. Boo!

Plus, my friend Eva made the cake! It was AWESOME! Both tasty and beautiful.

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So, what have I learned? Nothing. More than likely, I’ll be on Pinterest again next year right after Christmas and looking for a new theme. This horrible cycle will continue because I am a non-repentant sinner. I love this shit and I’m so glad there are some crafty people on Etsy that will do it for me. Otherwise, I would be sad. Scarlett doesn’t care. She’s two.