Ross and I finally watched Aquaman. And I’m going to apologize up front. There are going to be a lot of ‘fuck’s’ in this post. Skip now if you are offended by bad language.

Okay. What. The. Actual. Fuck? What is wrong with you DC? Why can’t you seem to get this shit right. It is, honestly, not that hard. First, don’t throw every-fucking-thing you have at the first movie. It’s called self editing. Try it. This movie was way too complicated, especially for a minor character that is kinda stupid. Aquaman talks to fishes for fuck’s sake; not the coolest power on the planet. Not only did we throw the Ocean Master into the mix, but Black Manta too. It’s too fucking much! Pick one and build toward the other. They’re called Easter Eggs folks. Tease people with what’s to come and foreshadow. It’s like you guys don’t actually know how to tell a story.

I’m not even sure what the purpose of Black Manta was. There was a fight scene in the middle of the movie that was completely unnecessary.

There were the different tribes under the ocean that were really hard to keep track of because like 12 people actually care about Aquaman. Also, there were crab people.

The dialogue was HORRIBLE. I cannot express to you the ridiculousness of the dialogue. There were points in the movie where I actually cringed. We’re talking Revenge of the Sith horrible.

Last, but definitely not least, Jason Momoa might be the coolest guy on the planet. This statement came from Ross, by the way. He’s married to Lisa Bonet (who is also cool as shit). He can wear a pink, crushed-velvet tuxedo and kill it. He wore a tank top to the Golden Globes and it was AWESOME. And even Jason Momoa wasn’t enough to make Aquaman cool or fix all of DC’s overly complicated world-building and plot holes.

Why are there always dinosaurs at the center of the Earth. I seriously don’t understand this.

Also, there were a shit ton of those trench dwellers. What the fuck were they eating? If their food sources ran out, wouldn’t they search out more out into the open oceans? Also, those fuckers climbed up onto a random boat and attacked Aquaman. Are you telling me that absolutely no other boats went into that part of the sea? These weird-ass demon creatures from the deep never got noticed from any other boats. No boats disappeared in this area for a very VERY long time that would have alerted the surface world to a “problem”? WHAT IS GOING ON? How do you fuck up a story this badly?

In all of this, I just feel bad for Jason Momoa.