We spent the weekend in Pittsburgh. We took Scarlett to Kennywood for the day and had a nice little weekend away. See, she’s having a blast on tiny tiny rides.

On Sunday morning, we drove the 3.5 hours back to Columbus. Now, I hadn’t slept really well over the weekend and the drive kinda took it out of me. By the time we got home, I still had to do laundry, figure out what the fuck we were going to have for dinner, get groceries, and take Scarlett to swim lessons. I had a full day of shit ahead of me and already noon.

Kroger (a supermarket chain) has this thing called Clicklist where you can buy your groceries online, the store gathers them up for you, and then you just have to pick them up. This sounded like an amazing thing in my sleep addled brain. Ross and I decided to give it a go.

This….however…was a mistake.

When we moved to Worthington a few years ago, we started by going to the grocery store near our house. One week, they just didn’t have garlic bread. Another week we couldn’t find the yogurt. It was always stupid shit like that. When I was in college, my friend Audrey lived in DC around Dupont Circle and there was a Safeway that she liked to call The Soviet Safeway. You might think that’s insensative but it was because there would be empty shelves where toilet paper was supposed to be. They just didn’t have toilet paper that day. This Worthington Kroger was a little like that and we started calling it The Worst as it’s formal name. Like: “Can you stop at The Worst on your way home and get some milk”.

Here’s where we should have known better.

The only store near us that has this new Clicklist feature is The Worst. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to spend an hour and a half running around the grocery store and I just wanted it done. So we decided to try. You have to try…right?

First, setting up the account for this was ridiculous. Evidently, I already had an account set up in Korger but who knows what the password is, cause I don’t. I hit the forgot password link, you know where they send you an email to reset your password. It never came. It still hasn’t come. So, I had to set up this account with a different email address. Whatever. Fine. I place my order at 1:53 pm, making the deadline for a pick up window of 6:00-7:00 pm. Great!

We go about our day. We go to swim lessons and spend about an hour at the pool after lessons because Scarlett loves the pool and I’d rather spend my time having fun with her than grocery shopping. We decide, since we don’t have food in the house, that we’re going to order something and Ross can go pick that up with the groceries and it will be perfect.

Here’s the thing. I should know better. This shit never works out like I hope. Something always goes horribly horribly wrong and all of our good intentions are scattered way the fuck off track.

At 6:15 pm, Ross leaves to pick up the food and the groceries. Before I know it, Ross is home and I’m like, this was so easy.

No. Just no.

He got the food but they were running a little behind on the groceries. He told them he would come back.

Flash forward to 7:15 pm

He got home at 7:50 pm.

I guess the guy parked next to him had been there for an hour and had passed the point of no return since he’d already paid for the groceries and now had been waiting for an ungodly amount of time. When The Worst finally brought out the groceries, some woman from the Deli was in charge. She loaded the bags and Ross was like, “That’s not enough for $128 worth of groceries.” So, she’s digging through crates and finds the rest. It wasn’t in bags. It was just kinda thrown in the crate.

Now, Ross works retail for a living and this whole experience made him PISSED OFF. All he kept saying, when he got home, was that it was unacceptable. I’d be fired. Over and over again.

I guess there’s a place where you have to either check or uncheck a box approving substitutions. This is where someone…not you…goes through and if they don’t have something, they make the judgement call to replace it with something else. I don’t remember seeing this box but I clearly didn’t uncheck it. They made substitutions. One of them was for applesauce. I ordered the Simple Truth brand – which is a Kroger Brand by the way – and they didn’t have it. How do you not have your own brand! Soviet Safeway! Ross absolutely refused one of the substitutions because he knows that I don’t play with my coffee. So, now I have no coffee and I’m going to have to go the grocery store anyway.

He went through everything with a fine-toothed comb, crossing off as he put all of it away. Some of the substitutions they made were weird and I’m not sure I’m okay with them but I wasn’t sending him back. No way, no how. I didn’t have bail money on me.