I had to go out shopping on Saturday. It was a MISTAKE!

Not only did we have a mild snow storm – which in Columbus OH means practically everyone turns into an idiot on the road. It’s like they’ve never seen precipitation before. This just means that everyone on the road is stupid and traffic becomes an obstacle course instead of a means to get somewhere. Anyway, I had to go to two shopping centers. Count them . . . TWO, which is generally unacceptable but I didn’t actually have a choice.

Here’s the thing. I used to love Christmas shopping. I loved going to Easton and searching for the perfect gift for everyone. I love Christmas and I love giving gifts. I love getting gifts too, just in case anyone needs the reminder. Gifts are GREAT! Saturday, however, was a fucking nightmare. I drove around for 30 minutes looking for a parking space. I almost T-boned another driver in the spill-off parking, as I searched for said parking.

Also, I hate people. I love individuals but as a group, people suck. I hate the group of people that are meandering and walking four across, blocking anyone from getting around them. I hate the teenagers wandering about in large groups talking loudly and snickering. I hate the people in every checkout line who decide at the register which items they’re going to take and which ones they don’t want. I hate the overly chipper sales clerks. I’ve worked retail during the holidays, I know you want to hide in the stock room in a fetal position. I also hate malls. There aren’t enough exits and they’re claustrophobic. On a regular day, a mall is tolerable. On Saturday, I had a mild panic attack as I struggled to get in and out of the Disney store with  my sanity in tact.

If you’ve read my blog before, I may have mentioned that I have personal space issues. It is very important that my three foot bubble of space be maintained around me. And under no circumstances should you ever touch me. NEVER. I might bite you like a rabid dog. On Saturday, I told two people to “fuck off” and “back off”, respectively. I don’t care that one of those – aka the first one – was in the Disney store. Listen, if you’re going to take your kids out shopping on a Saturday in December, they’re going to learn some colorful language. That’s on you. The places were crowded but there’s no reason to push or slam into me.

I’m so thankful for online shopping. You have no idea.