If you haven’t already guessed by the title of this post, I’m knocked up. This is my first child and at 36 years old, I’m categorized as elderly in my medical records. This fact does not particularly sit well with me. I’M NOT THAT OLD.  Also, at this point, more people have seen my hoo-ha in the last four months than have been to a circus. With two trips to the emergency room and a doctor’s office that has revolving doctors, I’m no longer shy about flashing the world. I pretty much feel the world has already seen what I have to offer.

I’ve also discovered some things that the books and your friends won’t tell you until you get knocked up which just isn’t fair.

Things they don’t tell you:

1. Your gag reflex becomes ridiculously sensitive. So sensitive, in fact, that I’ve gagged myself several times brushing my teeth. I’ve dry heaved to the point of throwing up. That, sure  as hell, wasn’t in any of the books.

2. People want to touch you. Why? I don’t know. I don’t grant wishes or have magical powers. I also don’t know you so get the fuck out of my personal space, and keep your hands to yourself. I’m going to start walking around with a hula hoop tied around my waist like someone wearing a barrel. If you are against the hula hoop barrier, you are too close. BACK UP! I can already feel an assault charge coming my way at the prospect of random people just walking up and touching me. If you haven’t noticed, I have personal space issues.

3. Morning sickness is a misnomer. It doesn’t just happen in the morning and you don’t always throw up. Sometimes, like me, you’re sick from when you get up until you go to bed and never once throw up from it. You just feel like a sluggish piece of nauseated crap ALL DAY LONG. So, there’s that.

4. You may also bleed which is frightening. Hence, the two trips to the emergency room. The second time, I passed a blood clot the size of a small chicken which prompted us to visit the lovely new OSU emergency room at 10 pm on a Sunday night. We didn’t get home until around 2 am. Fun times.

5. You will be both hungry and full all the time. I eat a hand full of something and want to throw up from being too full. Half an hour later, I’m ready to rip someone’s head off because I’m starving. It’s both annoying and aggravating. I started keeping snacks around the house to prepare for this so I could have a quick bite and then go on about my day. The only problem is that my husband keeps eating all my fucking snacks. So now, I’m hungry and pissed because what I wanted to eat is no longer in the house.

6. It’s weird to have someone growing inside you. When you see it on the screen, it’s a little like aliens and you think, “God, that’s weird.” We still don’t know what the gender is and my friend made the statement, “you might have a penis growing inside of you right now.” When you stop to think about it, that’s weird, especially when you put it like that.

I promise not to fill this blog with baby related posts, just he funny stuff. I just had to get this one off my chest.