Seriously, I get it. You gave birth to what you think is a genius prodigy that needs to be nurtured and protected. The reality of the situation is, you gave birth to a nitwit, 23 year old that can’t function without you. You’re in my office asking if your kid can be put in a class because he’s still sleeping. Does anyone else see a problem with that?

1. If your kid is 23, why the hell isn’t he sitting in my office talking about his schedule instead of you?

2. I can’t talk to you. The university and the government assumes that at 18 your kid is a full fledged adult – let alone 23. There are rules. Don’t get bitchy with me because you think you’re special and the rules don’t apply to you. They do! I realize you’re paying tuition but so what! There’s a little law called FERPA that won’t let me talk to you. Get over it!

3. Cut the damned umbilical cord people! Your kid is going to have to go into the world someday and you can’t be there to hold their hand. I’m not constructing a special orientation for you to figure out what your kid is supposed to do. You’re not attending this University or the program. LET THEM GO!

4. I’m not the student’s parent. It’s not my job to make sure your beloved Johnny or Joany gets their ass up out of bed and attends class. If their failing, there’s probably a reason for that and nobody don’t get an A for just showing the fuck up!

5. Just because you pay tuition doesn’t mean you can walk into my office and ask me if you can have the poster on my wall. Yeah! That just fucking happened! Your tuition dollars didn’t pay for the poster. Don’t give me a dirty look when I say no. Get used to that word, you’re going to be hearing it a lot.

6. I’m not there parent. Don’t call me to
a) go to their apartment to check on them
b) call to make sure their still alive
c) call their professors to see if they’ve been showing up
d) stalk them for you when they stop answering the phone

7. Okay, your kid hasn’t even shown up yet for their first day. Hasn’t even fucking shown up yet! The class your kid is trying to get into is full. Has been for a month because its an upper level class. I don’t really care that Johnny wants to make sure he has continuous language instruction from high school to college. Its not going to happen! Wanna know why? Your kid is at the bottom of the damned totem pole for scheduling, which means that all those upper level courses you’re so proud of Johnny for testing into are full long before his window scheduling opens. Yep that’s right! At some point Johnny is going to be stuck without a language class to take and he’ll have to take…God forbid…a literature course! GASP!

8. Your kid is getting a degree from Arts and Sciences. Its a liberal arts degree. Please don’t come into my office on day one or better yet, orientation day and ask me what kind of job a major in French will get little Joan! The answer is I don’t fucking know. I have a degree in Criminology, International Studies, and Russian and I’m an HR/Fiscal officer. What the hell does that tell you? More than likely, your kid is going to be working at McDonald’s while living with you but that’s beside the point. Little Joan isn’t enrolled in a vocational program. They’re enrolled in French! You want a successful career waiting for Little Joan when she graduates? Good Luck! We all wanted that.

9. Please don’t call the department office and swear at the department staff or the faculty. Neither of them have it out for your kid. More than likely, Little Johnny did something stupid that warrants whatever reaction he got. Guess what! He can’t copy shit off of Google and put it in his paper! Amazing…I know but that’s called plagiarism and violates academic misconduct. So calm down. Take a breath and actually let your kid suffer the consequences of his actions. Maybe they’ll learn something. That is why you sent them to college after all.

10. Last but certainly not least. Sometimes your kid needs to fail. That’s the only way they can learn how to pick themselves up and soldier on. So, stop calling to see if you can get their grade changed because Little Johnny’s grandpa died in 2010 and that really affected him. If you have a death in the family, do you get to slack off of work for months on end and turn in sub-par shit? NO! Your boss expects you to show up, do your job and function. Guess what, the world is going to expect that from Little Johnny or Joan too. So, let them fail. Maybe they’ll surprise you.

Thanks to my Della and Ashley for reminding me of some of the ridiculous shit that happens around here. Clearly, I blocked most of it out.